Nightclub of the Week

Where the WAGs go when they’re tired of nice nightclubs

If you fancy buying some drugs on a night out, head to Essex!

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The highest concentration of WAG and footballer activity can be found in the overpriced clubs of Soho. But for a more relaxed (cheaper) evening, many head towards the provinces, and in particular Faces Nightclub in Gants Hill.

Where:
On the Cranbrook road in Gants Hill, a stone’s throw from the Tube station. If lost, one of the local drug dealers will happily point you in the right direction.

How much: Entry is a modest ten pounds, but you can waive the fee and the queues with a membership. Silver, Gold and Black (!) memberships range from £20-£200.

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Clientele: Those who frequently slink off to the VIP room include most of the West Ham team, Jermain Defoe, Teddy Sheringham and Danielle Lloyd. The latter held her 24th birthday at the club in November, which had a super classy ‘pimps and prostitutes’ theme. Other celeb regulars include Nikki from Big Brother and Jodie Marsh.

The non-VIP areas will be filled with bright orange Jodie Marsh clones, and men with Burberry collars who wish to sell you some ‘gear’.

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The Look: The men wear imitation Gucci loafers bought from the market, while the strict uniform for the ladies consists of white Stilettos, fake tan and cleavage.

The club itself was closed for a drugs raid refurbishment last year, but is still ‘pretty grimy’ according to my club lovin’ friend.

Music: Thursdays are R’n’B and electro house, Fridays are pop and Saturdays are equally as awful.

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Dress code: ‘No ripped jeans, trainers or sportswear’ requests the flashy new website. Girls are required to wear skirts that reveal their underwear at all times, while guys should wear loose clothing with many pockets, so their ‘purchases’ may be easily stored.

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Drinks: Faces prides itself on its classy and varied menu, and for serving drinks with names that tell customers nothing about their contents. Highlights of the cocktail menu include the ‘Wait for the Bite’, the ‘Do you Fancy It’ and the utterly enticing ‘Bling Bling’. For £19.99, you can also get a bottle of Champagne from the valleys of Essex called ‘Charmaine’.


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