Spoiler

Paul Gascoigne, master of confrontational humour

Yet more tales of the former England star’s compulsive personality

While Paul Gascoigne‘s troubled mind is reconstructed by soft-handed psychiatric professionals, it’s a racing cert that they’re going to take out the bit that made him a compulsive clown. That news may possibly come as relief to many people, but as a tribute to the resting hero and to pass on the memory of some of his more extreme comedic moments, Sniffing the Touchline has compiled a comprehensive list of 50 famous Gascoignian incidents. Here are some of the tales that may or may not make his memoirs:

» When asked for his nationality before an operation, told the nurse: “Church Of England.”

» On a trip to London, jumped out of his car to demand “a go” on a workman’s pneumatic drill. After getting the go-ahead, happily pounded the pavement to the amusement of shoppers.

» Booked a series of sun-bed sessions for then-Newcastle team-mate Tony Cunningham. Who, of course, is black.

» Asked by a Norwegian camera crew if he had a message for England’s upcoming opponents, immediately responded with, “Yes. F**k off Norway.” Then ran off laughing.

» Walked into the Middlesbrough canteen wearing nothing but his training socks and ordered lunch.

» Crashed Middlesbrough’s team bus at the club’s training ground and caused £310,000 worth of damage.

» Bought a £1000 robot and programmed it to travel into Jimmy Five Bellies’ room at Gazza Towers and announce: “Make a cup of tea, fat man.”

» Asked to leave West Lodge Park Hotel in London after guests were treated to the sight of a naked Five Bellies swimming across the duck pond.

» While staying in a New Zealand hotel, was told there was no bacon for breakfast. Replied, “What, all the sheep in this country and there’s no bloody bacon!”

• Paul Gascoigne