Big Grumpy XI

Oh Brilliant, it’s the Premier League Moaning XI

spoiler-cole1.jpg

You know the people, the ones who pop around unannounced and spend the entire evening telling you how tired they are, and how things just never seem to go their way. Wouldn’t it be great to rain a few over-the-top punches onto their moping little faces? Yeah, then they’d have something to moan about, then they’d have something to say. With that in mind, imagine the dreary dressing room that this little lot would make for.

GK Jens Lehmann
Moody Jens doesn’t socialise with his team mates, citing the big age gap as a main problem. They, on the other hand, would probably cite his ungodly whinging and arrogant manner.

DL Ashley Cole (c)
The look of utter disbelief on Ashley’s face whenever he gets booked tells you everything you need to know – he can’t believe it, why is everyone picking on him! Plus his wife just dared to get upset because he had sex with loads of other women, and it wasn’t even his fault. God, shut up, he didn’t ask to be born, you know! Our captain.

DC Younes Kaboul
Younes always seemed such a happy fellow, bounding toplessly into Jol’s arms after that great goal (against someone). But his recent huff about Ramos not giving him enough cuddles have made for a big fat grumpy baby.

DC Tal Ben Haim
Those who read The Sun a few weeks ago would have seen the pics of Tal Ben Haim in the back pages stuttering and holding back the tears, as he whimpered about how Jose was really lovely, but Avram isn’t, and he doesn’t like his new daddy, and…. big breath… he just wants to go somewhere else. What a misery guts.

DR Gary Neville
Something about Gary’s serious demeanor suggests that a big grey cloud follows him wherever he goes – especially since best-bud-forever David Beckham ditched him for the star of Top Gun and Scientology gobbledygook. The self appointed “shop steward”, he’s a miserable miserable man.

ML El Hadji Diouf
Don’t look to El-Hadge for a positive mental attitude either – only recently he could be found moping around, insisting that even if Bolton stay up, he’s had enough, he’s leaving. Who spat on his bonfire?

MC Lassana Diarra
Ah, what’s that Diarra? Feeling a little bit picked on and annoyed because Chelsea and Arsenal didn’t love you enough? Oh stop whining, man! Just go to Portsmouth instead. (oh, he has)

MC Hossam Ghaly
Of course, who could forget the time Hossam transferred to Birmingham, a lovely city where he lasted almost precisely eight minutes before his unbelievably eggy attitude saw him thrown back through the gates. He didn’t appreciate their training techniques. “We used to get cakes at Tottenham,” he yelled on his way out, “big delicious cakes!”. Perhaps.

MR David Bentley
As reported on yesterday’s Spoiler, Bentley took loudly berating life to a whole new level when he had despondent messages printed on his boots at Arsenal so that Wenger would finally get rid of him. Since then, he decided to not play for the Under 21s anymore because he was feeling really really tired.

FC Didier Drogba
Some argue that if Drogba stopped moaning he would actually drop dead, he’d have nothing to live for. Yesterday he was livid with Chelsea for letting Mourinho go, today he hates Benitez for calling him a cheat – and just because he happens to go down like he’s just had his spine totally obliterated whenever a nearby defender so much as coughs. How dare he!

FC Andriy Voronin
Andriy showed how much he’d learnt about Merseyside etiquette when he decided to compare it unfavourably to Germany – a place, he insisted, that is miles ahead in terms of “comfort and culture”. And all this from a man whose lovely wife thinks it fine to wear a leopard skin tracksuit. Not in Liverpool, darling. Not in Liverpool.

Manager: Paul Jewell
Enough said.


3 responses so far
  • Daily Dose 4.30.08 | The Offside // May 1, 2008 at 12:59 am

    [...] The Premier League Moaning XI (And how happy was I to see that Anelka didn’t make this kind of list for once?) (The Spoiler) [...]

  • RedbyDawn // May 1, 2008 at 7:53 am

    Nico’s no moaner. He’s just a fucking misery

  • Beanie // May 1, 2008 at 10:05 am

    no cristiano ronaldo?

Leave a comment
  1. View comments in RSS feed