Disappointing XI

The Premier League’s Most Disappointing XI (2007/08)


Oh look, it’s almost the end of the season, and that’s when everyone starts applauding each other and shouting “good game, good game”, full of the joys of spring. Well, not over here at The Spoiler. Oh no. We’re still livid with some of the Premier League’s so-called “players”. This XI, for example, should be ashamed of themselves.

GK Petr Cech (Chelsea)
Such is the increasing nature of his facial injuries that most people expect Cech to play next season wearing a gimp mask. That aside, he’s spent most of 2007/08 busily sabotaging his reputation as the world’s best goalkeeper by setting up goals for Jonathan Woodgate in the Carling Cup final, and Ryan Babel in the Champions League.

DL John Arne Riise (Liverpool)
There was a time when Riise was synonymous with blistering shots bursting through the net and into someone’s face in the crowd, but this season he’s been more of an own goal specialist, with a stonker against Luton, and a bitch of a bouncer in the Champions League.

DC William Gallas (Arsenal)

Arsenal captains are strong proud men like Tony Adams and Patrick Viera, not whimpering cretins who flump off the pitch in tears or stage sit in protests for no reason whatsoever. A manchild.

DC Kolo Toure (Arsenal)
Toure was doing a fantastic job until he sloped off to Africa in January and lost all of his confidence. He then returned to Arsenal and started gifting people goals willy-nilly.

DR Lucas Neill (West Ham)
After being one of the star performers of West Ham’s great escape last season, much was expected from one of their highest earners. Home chants such as “you’re just a fat Aussie wanker” suggest that he didn’t quite pull it off this year.

ML Florent Malouda (Chelsea)
Like Shevchenko last year, Malouda scored on his debut in the Community Shield, and Chelsea fans were thrown into a frenzy of lip-licking and went about melting down gold to fashion a statue of their new idol. Unfortunately for Florent that statue never got built, as he slipped down the ladder, now languishing somewhere around the Shaun Wright-Phillips mark.

MC Steve Sidwell (Chelsea)
Oh Steve had all the big talk on his arrival at Chelsea – not there to warm benches, fighting for a place in the starting line up etc. What he didn’t take into account was Essien, Lampard, Ballack, Makelele, Cole… He hasn’t started since January.

MC Alan Smith (Newcastle)
Some people might argue that Alan Smith was a bargain at £6 million. Those people are totally wrong – the player, who doesn’t appear to know what position he plays, hasn’t scored a goal in thirty-five games. That’s NO GOALs in THIRTY-FIVE games.

MR Aaron Lennon (Tottenham)
Remember how swift little Aaron struck the wibbly-wibblies into international defenders around about the last World Cup? Yeah? Well, unfortunately he doesn’t, and has spent most of the season timidly hoofing the ball at Berbatov and running away crying.

FC Darren Bent (Tottenham)
Contrary to popular opinion, this guy isn’t just related to the Darren Bent who wowed the fans at Charlton, it’s the SAME GUY. Seriously. And for just £16 million, Spurs have taken a potentially brilliant striker, crushed his soul, obliterated his confidence, and now he’s rumoured to wander White Hart Lane muttering and cackling to himself. Or that might be a tramp.

FC Dave Nugent (Portsmouth)
It’s a big risk splashing out £6 million on a Championship player because you never know if they can step up. Now Portsmouth do. And they can’t. Just hope they kept the receipt.

Manager – Sam Allardyce

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