Spoiler

Vegemite banned from Olympics, Aussies lose all hope of winning medals

Beijing officials insist all food must be sourced within China

Olympic athletes frequently have highly specialist dietary requirements, and thus were expecting to bring their body fuel with them to Beijing in three months time. Olympic officials, however, wish for visitors to fully embrace Chinese culture, and will do so by eating their steroid-filled meat and insecticide-laden veg.

The food ban has hit no one harder than the Australians, who were looking forward to coating every meal in Vegemite (a vulgar concoction similar to Marmite). Between sips of lager, Aussie Olympic team nutritionist said:

“A lot of the food we are taking is not readily available in China. They do not tend to make cereals … or the muesli bars that our athletes love,” Burke said.

“We would like to take these products because they help our athletes feel at home.”

The food situation should be the least of their concerns in what is already shaping up to be a shambles of an Olympiad. Considering the disgraceful amount of pollution in Beijing (some days people are warned not to go outside), the athletes will be lucky to make it to their first meal of ‘roided-dog and horse stew.

[Sports By Brooks]

• Athletes
• Australians
• Beijing
• Diet
• Food ban
• Olympics
• Vegemite