And the Premier League’s LEAST Loyal XI is…
Don’t leave them alone with the wife
And so to the less charming side of football – the players who would demand extra money if you dared to make them sweat, even just a little bit. The kind of men you wouldn’t want next to you in the trenches. Were this wartime… and people still used trenches.
GK Carlo Cudicini (Chelsea)
Cudicini is in his goalkeeping prime, and yet he’s happy to lay back in the dugout until Cech gets his face obliterated again. Then he’ll feign an injury of his own – slacker films should be made about this guy.
DL Ashley Cole (Chelsea)
A revolting little man, Cole is totally unaware of a world existing outside of his self-made bubble. In his head, he is king, and Chelsea isn’t his club, it’s just the latest in a long list of suckers to tend to his every bottom wiping whim.
DC Sol Campbell (Portsmouth)
Such are his addled nerves and fragile mind that no club could ever rely on keeping Sol Campbell happy – he’s just too sensitive, bless him. For now, he loves Portsmouth, just adores them, but should they EVER show evidence of not being hopelessly devoted to His Highness, he will go. And that’s not a threat. He actually will. Won’t you, Sol? Ahh, why are you crying? See what you’ve done? Now he’s crying.
DC Tal Ben Haim (Chelsea)
“I need a new challenge,” twittered Ben-Haim on his way through the Chelsea gates. Shortly before bedding down on a pile of soft Bosman transfer money, demanding champagne, and burying his face in an expensive fish. No one has seen him since.
DR Stephen Carr (Newcastle United)
Something about their shoulder-slouching demenour suggests that no one at Newcastle could really give a wotsit about their club and so-called Mr Kevin Keegan. Carr is the main offender, having gone to the club amidst speculation that he was also being courted by the mighty Man United, only to deteriorate to such an extent that Michael Owen is now above him in the Right Back pecking order.
ML Aleksandr Hleb (Arsenal)
The whisper is that Hleb is off to Barcelona. Which is no surprise really, after weeks of watching him moping around north London (in our minds) telling everyone that he hates the food, the weather, the silly rock music. Face it, he stopped caring the minute Flamini flounced out of that door mumbling in French, leaving a tearful Wenger sobbing in a big wet heap.
MC Lassana Diarra (Portsmouth)
As mentioned many times over, Lassana is obviously spending his youth travelling, getting to see the world. And great cities don’t come much more wonderful than glamourous Portsmouth. That said, once the shine has gone, and the women no longer give him that deep sexual buzz, he’ll be on his way. Probably up north to see what the skirt’s like up there.
MC Hossam Ghaly (Derby County)
Ask Ghaly to play football, by all means, just don’t tell him what to do. You’re not his mum. Idiot.
MR David Bentley (Blackburn Rovers)
Loyalty isn’t high on Bentley’s “traits to develop” list. Already he’s declared himself too amazing for the England Under 21s, and now he’s far too shimmering and glorious for Blackburn. Give it a couple of years, he’ll be playing in a team of two with Ashley Cole.
FC Nicolas Anelka (Chelsea)
Such is Anelka’s lack of passion, that when asked to take the penalty that could win the Champions League final, he said no. No! He said NO! Unbelievable.
FC Dimitar Berbatov (Tottenham)
Great player or not, something about his totally dead eyes suggests that Berbs isn’t entitely sure where Tottenham is on the map. He just gets driven there in a great big golden Rolls Royce. By a servant.