Teachers Pets

The Premier League’s Most Fiercely Loyal XI

These men would DIE for you


With the transfer window now wide open, money men with be lapdancing pathetically throughout the summer, hoping to attract some big name players. Don’t bother with this little lot, you successful football whores.

GK Brad Friedel (Blackburn Rovers)
He might have been plying his trade in Blighty for over ten years, but Friedel still has that “U.S.A!” grit about him – a stateside quality most profoundly portrayed by Sly Stallone in Escape to Victory in 1981. He’s been at Blackburn since 2000, and against stiff competition from the likes of David James and Petr Cech, he still comes out on top. Just.

DL Phil Neville (Everton)

There’s something about Phil Neville that suggests he spends teatime shovelling food into his mouth at an ungodly speed, before slamming his cutlery down, punching the are and shouting “I win”. It’s a worry.

DC John Terry (Chelsea)
Hate him or utterly dispise him, there is no doubting JT’s burning pride when it comes to Chelsea. As mentioned numerous times since he made a hash of a simple spot kick then wept, this guy is Mr Chelsea.

DC Jamie Carragher (Liverpool)
Such is Carragher’s devotion to his hometown that he still speaks in old fashioned “Scouse”, which is less a language, more a collection of sniffs, snorts and throat hacking.

DR Gary Neville (Man United)
Neville’s obsession with his own club is borderline sinister. Other players must be terrified to leave, and Beckham probably still receives the odd late night threatening phone call from Gary’s number – why did you do it, David? Why? This is your home… I love you…

ML Gareth Barry (Aston Villa)
Villa’s captain, he’s been at the club since 1997, playing practically every single position in that time. The word on the street is that he is the number one Liverpool target over the summer, but he’ll take some shifting.

MC Kevin Nolan (Bolton Wanderers)
Nolan has the look of a man who hurtles around the pitch snarling, yapping and growling – as does, say, Owen Hargreaves. Le Tissier he isn’t, but he’s a smaller club player who the fans will speak of as a legend. One day. Supposedly.

MC Michael Essien (Chelsea)
Surrounded by preening show ponies, Essien stands out in terms of grit and will to win. He’s even played cheerfully at right back, whilst being the best central midfielder at Chelsea’s disposal.

MR Steven Gerrard (Liverpool)
It was so close, Kenyon was standing there in his favourite heels and boob tube, waving a huge wedge of money and blowing kisses, but no, he just couldn’t do it. If Terry is Mr Chelsea, Stevie G is Mr Liverpool.

FC Robbie Keane (Tottenham)
A bit like Kevin Keegan in his playing days, what Keane totally lacks in footballing ability he makes up for in hurtling around the pitch like a brunette Dirk Kuyt. Established goal scorers like Defoe and Bent have found him impossible to shift.

FC Gabriel Agbonlahor (Aston Villa)

A product of the Villa academy, Agbonlahor is the kind of player who’d take scoring the winner against Birmingham over a hattrick against Man United. According to The Spoiler. Just now.

1 response so far
  • Ante // June 2, 2008 at 1:26 am

    I’ve never read such a load of utter rubbish in my life. I hope this is a piss take.

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