Is Liverpool the NICEST club in the Premier League?
Just a question, not a declaration of war…
Alright, football fans, put the grenades down, and throw your machetes into a nearby hedge. The Spoiler knows the drill by now, your claws are out, and we can only apologise for the headline – we didn’t do it just to stir you into a frenzy of mouth frothing and blue language. We are not Liverpool fans (for the most part), we’re just looking at the facts. Perhaps once you’ve sobered up enough, you might find time to study them with us?
Firstly, Liverpool are the only Big Four team that no one ever wants to leave. Chelsea are struggling to keep Lampsie and Drog-drog interested, Hleb and Flamini couldn’t wait to scarper from North London, and even up in Manchester – supposedly home to the best team in Europe – Cristiano Ronaldo is champing at the bit to get away, and start afresh on a new set of local prostitutes. Probably Spanish ones.
Yet, over in the Merseyside city of Liverpool, no one can bear the thought of not coming home to Rafa Benitez’s warm womanly bosom, regardless of the fact that the city is about as far away from being a genuine European Capital of Culture as you can get (where next? Norwich?). Even Crouchie – a man with sophisticated tastes for things like oysters and Abbey Clancy – seemed reluctant to go south.
More importantly, big players from teams not far behind Liverpool in the league are begging for a chance to prove themselves at Anfield. Both Aston Villa’s Gareth Barry and Tottenham’s Robbie Keane have been totally synonymous with their clubs for absolutely ages, but would happily infuriate their fans should Rafa somehow raise the funds and do one of his trademark finger clicks (or is that The Fonze?).
And lest we all forget, a “bigger” club (Chelsea) has already clumsily lurched in for Torres and Gerrard and been told in no uncertain terms to back off. Gerrard famously couldn’t bring himself to go, even with the promise of more money than he could fit in a hippo’s mouth, fifteen yachts, four brides, and a fabulous personal shopper. No one wants to leave.
Of course, snarling supporters from places like Leeds or Newcastle will forever argue that their clubs are brimming with fiercely loyal players, and they provide the best atmosphere you could ever imagine, much better than Liverpool’s. To which we will smile politely, silently cough names like Alan Smith, or (dare we say it), Peter Beardsley, then run away. Fast.
So what do you think, readers? Is Liverpool the most appealing club in the world to play for? Or, um, not?