The Massive Letdown XI
Hide your faces in shame…
Ug, is there anything worse than having all of your dreams shattered? The short answer is, of course, no, no there isn’t. Yet every year we get all excited and start hailing new saviours for the England football team, here to finally banish a million years of pain. Players like Barnes, Collymore, Gareth Barry, Walcott.
These men came to us like mighty footballing Christs, then gave us nothing but salty tears.
Yeah, thanks a lot, guys. Here’s the worst of the bunch…
GK Chris Kirkland
When Kirkland joined Liverpool in 2001, people went mental, insisting that he was the future England keeper, and would be for hundreds of years to come. Then he kept getting injured, and now Capello has more faith in David James, an 86-year-old gentleman who Liverpool fans once derided for being totally rubbish.
DL Wayne Bridge
What a breath of fresh air Bridge was when he was careering up and down the flanks at Southampton. Some even suggested that he might be better than that hateful little toad, Ashley Cole. Unfortunately, even Wayne Bridge wasn’t buying that one, and he now spends his days earning money for doing nothing, which makes him a total loser/genius.
DC Jonathan Woodgate
Before he was convicted of affray, Woodgate looked set to become the backbone of the England defense. He had blonde hair, just like Bobby Moore. Unfortunately, stints at Newcastle, Real Madrid, and Boro all proved that he was only really good at hurting himself. Now shares a bed in the Spurs infirmary with Ledley King.
DC Matthew Upson
One day people might joke about football being full of “Upson downs”, but until they do, let’s just sow the seed for that fantastic gag. He should have been better than he is.
DR Glen Johnson
From the big name defender wanted by Chelsea, to a desperate young man with great hair on his hands and knees, frantically attempting to steal a toilet seat from a massive hardware shop in Kent. He could have had it all, but Wes Brown snaffled it from him.
ML Aaron Lennon
To think that people were calling for Lennon to take Beckham’s place way back in 2005/06. Back then he was a zippy winger who was speedier than a go faster stripe. Now he just hurtles around the pitch like he’s genuinely avoiding the ball. Reminiscent of the great Tony Daley in many ways.
MC Scott Parker
Remember that classic McDonalds ad where the little kid plays keepie-uppie like he was born to do it? That tot grew up to be Scott Parker, the most overrated player ever to come directly from a fast food advert.
MC Nigel Reo-Coker
Nigel played a suspicious amount of games for the Under-21s, eventually captaining them through the U21 Championships where they lost to Holland. Described as a “robust” midfielder, but, as everyone knows, robust is just French for rubbish. We think.
MR Shaun Wright-Phillips
Wright-Phillips is really quick, and that’s it. Pluck the wind from his sails, and you’re left with a small man with a great smile who just can’t cross a football… On the upside, his dad’s really funny. Sometimes.
FC Kieron Dyer
Oh they threw the names around when he first hit the scene – he’s our Maradona, claimed one idiot. And for a while. he did look great with his quick feet and attacking flair. Only one problem, he can’t stop breaking his legs. A career akin to spotting a tenner on the ground, only to find that it’s actually a piece of toilet paper used by cackling tramps. Gutted.
FC Wayne Rooney
As big letdowns go, Rooney is the biggest. He bulldozed onto the scene against Arsenal, scoring a whopper past David Seaman, but since then he’s just teased us all with all his big potential and fighting spirit. Should Berbatov finally sign for United, little Wayne might not have the guns to beat Tevez to the second striker spot.