C-Ron Update

Revealed: How Madrid has reacted to Cristiano Ronaldo since his arrival

The Madridistas have found a new hero, says our Spanish media spy

Cristiano Ronaldo

If he scores against Villarreal tonight, Cristiano Ronaldo will make history, by becoming the first ever Real Madrid player to score in his first four consecutive league clashes. With the Primera season well underway, The Spoiler’s Real Madrid mole Valentine Fell tells us how the Spanish capital has responded since his ceremonious arrival…

The media
Despite the obligatory negative swipes he has been receiving, the press are desperate to speak to C-Ron: the ‘mixed zone’ at the Bernabeu turns into a full-on rugby-scrum every week in an attempt to get so much as a soundbite from him. There’s no doubt the city’s physiotherapists will be getting a few more visits in the coming months, due to the contortionist-like positions the media are having to put themselves in to get their mics anywhere near his little pocky face.

The Portuguese media
A batch of mentalists that warrant their own group. The press conferences are head-banglingly annoying as the Portuguese press seem to have camped out at Valdebebas (the team’s training ground) to ask every single player and staff member about the perma-tanned one. It’s a little like watching an overbearing parent at an open evening. The rest of the media are all waiting patiently for the player who blows his fuse first. My money is on Raul!

His teammates
Watching Cristiano in training is like watching a machine. Before he was deported to Blackburn this Summer, the long-locked veteran Michel Salgado described the winger as an ‘aeroplane’ during the side’s pre-season, and I don´t think he was referring to the ‘Easyjet’ variety (although his bright white day-glo body tops and orangey leather skin certainly suggest C-Ron favours that particular airline’s aesthetic). United by their language and enviable talent in their respective positions (I say that in a purely footballing sense), the Brazilian and Portuguese players spend their training sessions laughing and joking and showing off with their cheeky little flick-ups. They are definitely the cool gang this term and have no doubt already taken over the back seats on the Real Madrid team bus.

The kids
The little ninos are delighted that Cristiano is here. He’s ‘muy bueno’ and they adore his ‘regates‘ (his step-overs and piss-taking tricks) – yet he has already done so many that it won’t be long until the demanding Bernabeu crowd tire of them. Nevertheless, the kids are happy, which means that the club is happy, because the little’uns want his name on their shirts, thus bolstering one of Madrid’s most relied-upon revenue streams: merchandise. Trying to find a kid’s top brandishing the name of last season’s best player, Lassana Diarra, among the sea of Ronaldo emblazoned shirts, is like finding the proverbial needle.

Las chicas
If there’s one group that has gone a little crazier than the rest following the arrival of CR9, then it’s the ladies. You can pretty much guarantee orgasmic Meg Ryan style noises at the mere mention of his name, as his is the sleek and oily look that sends the girls in Madrid wild. One Spanish DJ even laughed that he would be booking a table at Real Madrid players’ regular haunt, Buddha del Mar, following Cristiano‘s first game at home.. The disc spinner said that the night’s entertainment there would be much better than what was on offer at the Bernabeu, as the nightclub would be full of ‘expectant’ (read: ‘desperate’) girls, hoping that the star would make his second debut of the night in the plush discoteca.

Buddha del Mar, which recently changed its name to Kudeta (not that anybody took any notice), is situated on the outskirts of the city and is perfect for £80m-rated players, as they are the only punters that can afford the extortionate drinks prices – €16 for a ‘copa’ (a short and mixer). Over the years, Los Blancos have celebrated league wins, birthdays and leaving parties at the nightclub, and the staff at Kudeta often joke that there is a direct tunnel from the Bernabeu to its front door. The senoritas are begging and pleading the club’s promoters to let them know when the Portugeezer will be there, and they are even begging fellow players on their facebook accounts to put in a good word! Shameless.


9 responses so far
  • fred // September 23, 2009 at 2:10 pm

    It is not Portugueezer , it is Portuguese you A…H.

  • Javier // September 23, 2009 at 2:14 pm

    Rubbish! I am from Spain & its all sensationalist rubbish

  • Omer // September 23, 2009 at 3:47 pm

    Haha that was funny. Of course it’s exaggerated and sarcastic, but it has some truth to it! I’ve read about the ‘mixed zone’ scrum before.

  • lita // September 23, 2009 at 5:49 pm

    What is it about this guy that bothers you so much? Did he turn you down ? It seems the spoiler spends more than their share of time nocking him down. Get over it already, move on. For a site thats suppose to have humor, your lacking it.

  • Y // September 23, 2009 at 6:58 pm

    I agree with you Lita… this site hates on cristino something bad!!

  • Juzzie // September 24, 2009 at 6:25 am

    If you don’t hate on Cristiano something bad, you probably have issues. Either that or you’re female.

  • Y // September 24, 2009 at 10:13 am

    What issues could I possibly have?? I know nothing about the guy personally, only the clearly distorted images that the media portray him as. It amazes me how willing everyday people are to believe all the headlines, manipulation of quotes, kiss and tell stories, etc, when none of us really know who this guy is. We’ve ever sat down and had conversation with him, never seen what he’s like when he’s at home. All there is to judge him by is a few hours on the pitch and few minutes of interview footage.

  • Omer // September 24, 2009 at 12:21 pm

    I’m a huge Ronaldo fan, but I found this article funny… I think we should relax a bit and have a laugh once in a while. Commentators writing off every foul on Ronaldo as a dive on his part is offensive, not this.

  • lita // September 24, 2009 at 9:14 pm

    Omar, Im up for a joke anytime, but nothing is funny if its repeated a hundreds times. We get it, they allude to the same corny “jokes” everytime, I didnt say they were offensive they are just NOT funny for a site that is suppose to be humours.

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