Arsene Wenger gained knowledge of tactics and team selection in a pub
The Professor gained his footballing nous from an unlikely source
Until now, we could only speculate on how Arsene Wenger cultivated his gigantic brain: some thought he was brought up by wizards, some suspected he worshiped at the feet of Kevin from Eggheads, while others believed he was imply an oracle sent from a world of existential philosophy and ignoring terrible tackles if they’re done by your own team.
The Professor, however, has today revealed he did most of his brain training in a pub. He was brought up by publican parents Alphonse and Louise at Le Croix D’Or, just outside Strasbourg, and it is that establishment that he became a master of handling other people:
“There is no better psychological education than growing up in a pub when you are five or six because you meet all different people and hear how cruel they can be.
“You hear the way they talk to each other like saying ‘You’re a liar.’
“And from an early age you get a practical psychological education into the minds of people. It is not often a boy of five or six is always living with adults in a little village.
“I even learned about tactics and selection from the people talking about it in the pub… who plays on the left wing and who should be in the team.”
Speaking at the cumbersomely-titled League Managers Association’s Annual Management Conference at the Emirates, Wenger also explained how he overcame the doubts of his early career to became the football deity he is today:
“I started at 33 as a manager and sometimes I felt I wouldn’t survive. Physically I was sick.”
”The key as a manager is to survive disappointment. How does a manager feel when he’s lost a game? It is a disastrous feeling.
“To survive that and act like nothing’s happened you need a special motivation and our job is to survive disappointment.
“You have to do it because you don’t accept losing. We all fight to show ourselves we are good enough and show others we are.
“You have to have the inner drive and not be in the comfort zone.
“Those who have the inner drive don’t accept mediocrity. It’s in the genes. Successful people have a high level of motivation.”
We had to stop reading Wenger’s quotes at this point, as we were quite certain he would persuade us to enroll in some sort of self-help motivational seminar.