Sorcery Update

Paris Hilton prime suspect in Cristiano Ronaldo voodoo plot

Some more factually accurate news from the Spanish press

Cristiano Ronaldo

Last Tuesday, an anonymous Spanish sorcerer claimed that he had been hired to place a curse on Cristiano Ronaldo, which would cause him to suffer an injury. Sh*t got real the following day, when the Real Madrid superstar picked up an injury that made him miss the match with Seville, which turned out to be Los Blancos first loss of the season.

Keen to give this highly credible story more publicity, Sport today have extracted more details from the media-savvy professional sorcerer, who is said to be a 57-year-old based in Malaga named Pepe (presumably, he is no relation to C-Ron’s crazy teammate of the same name).

The witchcraft expert has revealed that he was hired by a woman who was “deceived” by the Portuguese man-o’-sex. Given his penchant for ladies of ill repute, this piece of information doesn’t exactly round things down, but Pepe also describes his client as “very famous, rich and not European”. Therefore, the Spanish press infer that the prime suspect is Paris Hilton, who has publicly admitted that Ronaldo was “too gay” for her.

Pepe says he charged €15,000 to inflict C-Ron’s recent injury via a voodoo doll, but he will charge a lot more to “finish his career”. The sorcerer says he has already cast a spell to end the winger’s playing days, and he would not break it even if “Ronaldo’s crying mother knelt before him.”

As if this story wasn’t ridiculous enough, El Mundo Deportivo today report that a “witchcraft war” has broken out. Portuguese sorcerer Fernando Nogueira, known in Portugal as “the wizard of Fafe”, claims he has cast a counter spell designed to keep Ronaldo away from injury.


12 responses so far
  • Nadia C. // October 8, 2009 at 5:16 pm

    I think Paris Hilton has way more important things to do than to pay some fake Harry Potter to cast spells on Cristiano.

    P.S: Cristiano Ronaldo is one very sexy footballer♥ We love you CR9

    Greetings from Canada,

  • Matilda // October 8, 2009 at 11:35 pm

    Did the sorcerer also inflict a curse which made him unable to stay on his feet if another footballer came within a yard of him?

  • nouran // October 9, 2009 at 2:38 am

    man , it could be true .. in my relgion we believe in this cursing , but it’s way complicated than just voodoo doll … but that person can also be a laier … thank God it’s ronaldo not someone i care about
    i just hope from the bottom of my heart this stuff dosn’t get to sports :’(

  • McRib // October 9, 2009 at 9:07 am

    Don’t ever stop calling him the ‘Portuguese man-o’-sex’.

  • Madrid // October 9, 2009 at 10:11 am

    totally agree with McRib on the Man o’ Sex thing. Kudos to whoever made that up. And 2 the moron nouran, there are no such things as curses just bad timing for injury

  • TF_Portugal // October 9, 2009 at 11:57 am

    Pleease, dont call Pepe (player) crazy , he’s a fine guy xD
    Harry Pepe and C-Ron (?) , new cast for the next Harry Potter movies LOL

  • jesus // October 10, 2009 at 2:49 am

    CRISSAY GOT NO BALZ
    HE GOT A STANK ASS POOZY!

  • jesus // October 10, 2009 at 2:51 am

    his pussy stank like a one dollar mcdonalds fish sandwhich!

  • yoann's ballz // October 10, 2009 at 3:01 am

    crissy gots some nice lips…
    DICK SUCKING LIPS, that is!

  • Prishen Moodley // October 10, 2009 at 9:48 pm

    People just want to make the media for crazy stuff … so how naive & gullible people are …I wonder how much this so called “sorcerer” sold his ridiculous story ..well he is already famous now for all the wrong reasons …. If this sorcerer is so good, why did he not get a blow job from Paris at the same time … (“,)

  • f1sh // October 11, 2009 at 11:14 am

    Prishen Moodley , how do u know he didn’t? ^^

  • nouran // October 15, 2009 at 12:38 pm

    oh yo madrid guy.. u know nothin .. just stay away from this stuffs all right ?!

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