Here is a (far from comprehensive) list of the reasons you will more likely find yourself in Southend this summer rather than South Africa (IMHO, of course).

- Your acceleration can be measured in terms of album releases by The Stone Roses, rather than MPH

- You have a turning circle equivalent to that of Halley’s comet as it speeds around the cosmos

- You seemingly have the mental stability of the Crazy Cat Lady from The Simpsons

- As was proven in the away leg at Porto, that bloke who was in a coma for 26 years and yet aware of everything that happened was more likely to react to events around him than you are, and with more speed

- You make Wes Brown look like a vaguely competent defender

- No, fudge that, you make Chris Morgan look like a vaguely competent defender, let alone Wes Brown

No offence intended, of course, I mean you were quite good in 1998; this is just my opinion. But let’s face it: Steven Taylor, Matthew Kilgallon, and David Wheater are all in front of you in the queue, so if it gets so bad that we can’t even pick three centre-halves from the championship then we should think about not submitting a team at all.

Anyone, good luck with the rest of your retirement at the heart of Arsenal’s defence.