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Shearer’s unhappy sounding childhood REVEALED!

Alan Shearer – loves apples, hates cartoons

Alan Shearer

Next time you’re watching Alan Shearer on MOTD, take a moment to close your eyes. Keep them closed. Listen to his voice, hear his deep, lilting, almost expressionless words as he explains that scoring goals is what wins football matches. Or how getting a red card can have a negative impact on a match.

Really concentrate on how he sounds, then try to picture in your mind’s eye “the real Alan Shearer” – not the man on the sofa in the shiny slacks, but the man who is sometimes alone, emotionally raw, stripped down, both metaphorically, and actually. Who is Alan Shearer? That’s what everyone wants to know.

And thanks to today’s Guardian, great strides have been made to determine the man behind the pundit. What was his childhood like? Does he like his veg? Did cartoons ever make him happy? You can find out all of this and more, in a wonderful extract from the interview (after the jump):

Who’s your favourite TV detective? I don’t watch a lot of TV, to be honest. With three kids I have my hands full.

What about when you were a youngster? What was your favourite cartoon? [Nonplussed] Cartoons!?

Cartoons. I didn’t watch cartoons, I was too busy playing football.

Apart from a football, did you have a favourite toy when you were a child? [Triumphantly] Yes, a goalpost.

Apart from football paraphernalia, did you have a favourite toy when you were a child? No, like I told you I was too busy playing football.

Now that you have retired, can you catch up on playing with the toys that you didn’t play with when you were a youngster? Have you, for instance, discovered the joys of action men or maybe Lego? [With mounting anger] No, I don’t play with toys. And I’m not into the PSPs or anything like that. Whenever I have any spare time I have a game of golf.

Assuming you have time to eat, what is your favourite vegetable? Goodness me. What type of questions are these? [Exasperated] I should say peas, should I?

There’s no right or wrong answer, Alan, that’s the beauty of it. OK, peas.

Not Brussel sprouts? [Annoyed] Peas.

Just a big bowl of peas? [Palpably hoping chat will conclude very soon] With a bit of mash, sausage and gravy.

What about fruit? An apple.

That’s quite emphatic. You wouldn’t have any time for an orange or a banana? [Firmly] You asked for my favourite fruit, I said an apple.

That is accurate. By the way, what superpowers would you like to have? [Impatiently] What do you mean?

The ability to fly? X-ray vision? Elbows of pure iron? I’d probably be invisible, so I could go and listen to some of Fergie’s team talks.

What’s the silliest thing you’ve ever done when drunk? I don’t get drunk.

What’s the weirdest thing a fan has ever asked you? To sign her chest.

Was there an Alan Shearer tattoo on it? No, because I never saw, because I refused to sign it.

So there might have been? I don’t know.

We can’t rule it out, Alan. Now, on an unrelated matter, have you ever seen a ghost? No.

Do you believe in the existence of ghosts? No.

Do you believe in life beyond earth? [Impatiently] I don’t know what I believe in. I try not to think about it. I don’t want to think about it.

Alan, can you tell us a joke? Yeah, your questions.

Great stuff.

4 responses so far
  • Boss Hogg // March 12, 2010 at 1:35 pm

    Isn’t it ironic that Alanis Moreupset?

  • Delboy Dublin // March 12, 2010 at 1:43 pm

    What a miserable tosser.

  • f1sh // March 12, 2010 at 2:31 pm

    was this for real??

  • Fletch // March 13, 2010 at 1:29 pm

    “I’d probably be invisible, so I could go and listen to some of Fergie’s team talks.”

    maybe he should have signed for Utd when he had the chance, it would have been easier than trying be invisible!

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