10 Things that are more miserable than Souness
Souness – glum
Anyone who had the displeasure of watching Graeme Souness expressing himself alongside Ruud Gullit and Jamie Redknapp on Sky Sports last night will attest to the Scotman’s rather dour, negative take on pretty much everything. Even compliments were delivered in the style of a sighing misanthropist who’s just had enough of it all.
He’s a gloomy man.
So, with that in mind, here are ten things marginally more miserable than Graeme Souness. But only just.
Johnny Cash, Hurt
For all that is cripplingly depressing about Graeme Souness, he still has nothing on this downbeat number from a man who literally looks like he’s singing using the last of his oxygen. Play this song whilst in the company of Souness, and you mightn’t make it through the night.
Yes, Graeme Souness is a miserable man, but he’s not quite as miserable as this limp, flaccid interpretation of rain. God’s version of water torture, it still ruins your clothes, just somehow more deliberately.
It’s actually a close call between Souness and Fowler, with Fowler just edging it after spending over twenty years wafting around Albert Square, occasionally stopping in the street to tut at a passer-by, or sigh deeply and clutch the small of her back. In 2006, she paused by a bench, tutted, then immediately died. Rather fittingly, the nation sighed. But it was a sigh of relief.
The Third Monday in January
Otherwise known as Blue Monday, the third Monday in January has been known to destroy a man/woman. Those resolutions have failed, it gets dark just after lunch, and you’re cold. So damn cold. Were you to bump into Graeme Souness on Blue Monday, that would be it. Game over.
For those who haven’t seen it, don’t. (SPOILER ALERT!) As a sick re-imagining of what might have happened if Leonardo Di Caprio hadn’t frozen to death in Titanic, this finds the baby-faced actor reunited with Kate Winslet, in a film that is just one long row, only resolved by a botched abortion that ends in death. A post-movie black sugarless coffee with Graeme Souness would come as light relief. It’s that miserable.
Before Saving Private Ryan (above) came along, war looked like a blast. A mix of “tally ho” Brits sticking it to the enemy, or US soldiers getting high and listening to Jefferson Airplane. As it happens, lots of people get killed, everyone’s scared, and absolutely no one has a good time. In that sense, it’s like one long evening with Souness, plus death.
There’s nothing more aching to the soul than watching a once-delicate rose whither before your very eyes. In America, such a flower could be someone like Britney Spears, or that maniac Lindsay Lohan. But over in Blighty, it’s Kerry Katona, who won everyone’s hearts as one third of the all girl supergroup, Atomic Kitten, before descending into druggie hell. An afternoon spent with Graeme Souness would be a wild technicolor ride in comparison.
Cleveland was recently declared “America’s Most Miserable City” by the popular US fortnightly, Forbes – apparently it was the terrible weather, and appalling unemployment statistics that did it. And yet a hunch suggests that it might well be a possible holiday destination in the Souness household. Expect to see a once-moustched Scotsman standing on a bus muttering “Oh for Christ’s sake” in the near future, Cleveland.
Named after the prostitution wing of a Nazi concentration camp, things didn’t get any more cheerful for the men who went on to a new lease of life with New Order. So the story goes, they released a handful of depressing records, before the lead singer decided to kill himself. Whether Souness is a big fan, no one is entirely sure.
Requiem for a Dream
Empire magazine’s “Most Depressing Film”, this is not recommended family viewing. It’s all about nasty drugs, and how they ruin people, and one member of The Spoiler team in particular falls into a deep hollow-eyed silence whenever he even thinks about thinking about it. Souness, if you haven’t seen it, enjoy.
Any more for any more?
Leave your suggestions for other things that are more miserable than Souness in the comments section…