The Spoiler presents: Football commentator top trumps
Gotta collect ‘em all!
Britain collectively released a heavy-hearted sigh on Wednesday morning (what, you didn’t hear it?), as the official TV listings for World Cup 2010 were released. ITV have got this lot, the BBC are showing these… to The Spoiler, none of it really matters, since watching football on either channel is like being propositioned by Billy the puppet out of Saw. Where do you want these rusty nails? In the face or in the groin?
Handily, we’ve come up with some helpful devices to take your mind off the asinine musings of terrestrial TV’s finest – football commentator top trumps! A print-out-and-keep game sure to provide you with a whole 35 seconds* of fun.
TACTICAL INSIGHT:  – one of the original stattos
LUCIDITY:  – literally senile
VOLUME:  – prone to loud bouts of confusion
LIKEABILITY:  – the nation’s adopted granddad
TACTICAL INSIGHT:  – accurately reports the patently obvious
LUCIDITY:  – gets the point across with schoolmarmish authority
VOLUME:  – dial stuck at ‘shrill’
LIKEABILITY:  – it’s a bloke’s game, innit?
TACTICAL INSIGHT:  – on the wane in recent years
LUCIDITY:  – communicates solely in nouns
VOLUME:  – relatively cool
LIKEABILITY:  – usually one of the good guys. USUALLY.
TACTICAL INSIGHT:  – has periods of utter contempt for football
LUCIDITY:  – on occasion
VOLUME:  – half-hearted indignance/talking over someone to tell a bad joke
LIKEABILITY:  – only because no-one is more hateful than Tyldesley
TACTICAL INSIGHT:  – takes a less nerdy approach
LUCIDITY:  – sensible appraisal of events
VOLUME:  – very polite, sometimes lively
LIKEABILITY:  – “alright, I guess”
TACTICAL INSIGHT:  – undeniably solid collection of match facts
LUCIDITY:  – will often speak for no reason
VOLUME:  – 9 when mentioning Wayne Rooney
LIKEABILITY:  – if you didn’t know better you’d think it was a joke
TACTICAL INSIGHT:  – good when he writes it down
LUCIDITY:  – like talking to an wise tramp, balancing sensible with mental
VOLUME:  – the odd yelp when surprised
LIKEABILITY:  – ‘Shimbomba’, ‘DrogBAR’, ‘Vieira/Vieri’ what’s not to like?
TACTICAL INSIGHT:  – not nearly as good as he imagines
LUCIDITY:  – talking shit at any given moment
VOLUME:  – LOVES the sound of his own voice
LIKEABILITY:  – absolute git
TACTICAL INSIGHT:  – consumate professional
LUCIDITY:  – razor sharp banter
VOLUME:  – emits a reassuring old-school tone
LIKEABILITY:  – extremely hard to dislike
TACTICAL INSIGHT:  – s’alright I guess…
LUCIDITY:  – …wasn’t really listening
VOLUME:  – will shout when called for
LIKEABILITY:  – even the most staunch Super Sunday fans will say “who?”
TACTICAL INSIGHT:  – on the mark 97.6% of the time
LUCIDITY:  – dripping in arrogance
VOLUME:  – smug hoots or cries of TEK A BOO, SON
LIKEABILITY:  – that shouty, but fairly knowledgeable fella down the pub
TACTICAL INSIGHT:  – considering his dad’s a manager…
LUCIDITY:  – LITERALLY
VOLUME:  – too cool to get overexcited
LIKEABILITY:  – more laughing stock than hate figure
N.B. If you don’t know how to ‘play’ trumps, go and take a long, hard look at yourself, then go over here.
* Duration of fun experienced may be considerably less than 35 seconds.