World Cup Profile: Brazil
“Kiss my face”
And so now to the second of The Spoiler’s World Cup profiles. Brazil – famous for being brilliant at football, great at throwing parties that involve women in bikinis dancing around in the street, and not bad at winning major tournaments. But, beaneath it all, who ARE these beautiful people? Read on to find out…
If the World Cup were to consist of some kind of football monarchy, then Brazil would be king. They’ve been to all of them, and they’ve won five (1958, 1962, 1970, 1994, 2002), making them the most successful team in the competition’s history. They qualified as the best from South America, although they are featured alongside Portugal and the Ivory Coast in the terrifying Group of Death. Their odds to win are around 5/1 on Betfair.
Classic World Cup Moment
Carlos Alberto’s goal against Italy in 1970 wasn’t bad…
Of course, Brazil’s poster boy will forever be the God-fearing football artiste, Kaka, but when it comes to just getting the ball in the back of the net, few can boast a better record at international level than Sevilla’s Luis Fabiano. With 25 goals from just 36 matches, he could also make for a wise bet as the top scorer, with odds of around 12/1 on Betfair. The word on the street is that Spurs are weighing up a hefty bid – they’d be wise to act very bloody quickly.
Working Class Hero
Watching him merrily strumming away on a banjo in this clip gives you some idea of how hard life for a young Gilberto Silva was. His family probably couldn’t afford luxury stereo equipment, so they made do instead with rubber bands, cardboard boxes, and made-up songs about what life must be like over the rainbow. At just 15-years-old, he was his family’s main bread winner. He’s done okay, by all accounts.
When you think of Brazilian footballers before they were famous, you imagine them hoofing an old discarded tennis ball around a slum, or playing keepy-uppy with a dead street cat’s eyeball. But not Kaka. Kaka was raised in a very middle class fashion, and once even enrolled in some kind of tennis school. How very hoity toity of him.
Missing in Action
All eyes will be scanning for one name when Dunga announces the squad – Ronaldinho. Twice named World Player of the Year, now rejuvenated at AC Milan, and yet Dunga never seems to pick him. Some say it’s because of the below clip, which finds a young Ronaldinho making a chump of the now-Brazil manager.
Strengths and Weaknesses
Brazil are magnificent on the break, and quite probably rank as the best counter attacking team in the world. If they have any obvious weakness, it’s that they tend to do less well against the more defensively minded sides. But, even then, they tend to win. They’re basically really good.
In Brazil, they love a nickname – so much so that most of the side is made up of players who won’t answer to their given birth name. But, if pushed, The Spoiler would plump for “The Beast”, aka Julio Baptista – so named because he’s massive.
Current Number One in Brazil
Justin Bieber, Baby
To show your support…
Well, you could go for a Brazilian – otherwise known as the art of painfully ridding your body of pubic hair using molten wax. Interestingly, the origins of the Brazilian wax date back to a letter written in around 1500, in which the Portuguese explorer Pêro Vaz de Caminha said this of Brazil:
“Their private parts were so exposed, so healthy and so hairless, that looking upon them we felt no shame.”
Most blatant use of sex to sell football
Take a group of local girls, give them a ball, hit the beach, and film their bottoms…
If Dunga were a film character, he would be…
He’s a very serious man, but not without his talents. In that sense, Dunga is the football equivalent of Mr Spock. He wouldn’t let his heart overrule his head, but give him enough encouragement, and he might just rock out with a group of space hippes. As in this clip:
The Spoiler Predicts: All the way to the final!