World Cup Fever

World Cup Profile: France

A few of these, plus Ribery


The World Cup profiles continue, and today The Spoiler is looking at the French. Only a small strip of water separates the nations, and yet, culturally, they seem to be gazillions of miles away. Who ARE these people? Read on to find out… 

Form Guide

This will be France’s fourth World Cup on the trot, which is a French record – something which will no doubt stick somewhat in the Irish craw. They won the thing in 1998, they were runners-up last time around, but a fairly terrible qualifying campaign, completed by the Thierry Henry handball, has transformed them into tournament outsiders. An intriguing bet, at around 19/1 on Betfair.

Classic World Cup Moment

Well, there are two that stick in the mind. The impressive win in 1998…

And Zidane’s even more impressive use of his head in 2006…

Main Man

Whilst Ribery will add a nice bit of zip to proceedings – so missing in the qualifiers - France will forever look to Thierry Henry to just put them away. He’s knocked in 51 goals so far, with around 50 of those coming off the correct body part, and could be a decent bet as the tournament’s top scorer, with rather tempting odds of 74/1 on Betfair.

Working Class Hero

Now notorious for procuring women of the night to celebrate his birthday with him, Ribery is still seen as a boy-done-good by our French cousins. He was raised in Boulogne-sur-Mer, which apparently isn’t as delighful and typically French as it sounds. If anything, it’s bloody rough. Or, as the French might put it, “tres dangereux”.

Most Fashionable Gentleman

Of course, the French are known for two things. Firstly, their very complicated food. And secondly, their love of fashion. Hence, the team’s luggage is presumably brimming with beautiful blouses and shimmering hotpants. But, if one man can pull together an outfit like no other, it’s Djibril Cisse – in a word, classy.

Djibril Cisse

Missing in Action

There have been a few eyebrow raising omissions in the French squad, with Benzema presumably making way so that Anelka could enjoy a World Cup for once, whilst Samir Nasri might also feel rather put-out by being left to enjoy a football-free summer vacation. Plus no room at the inn for old men like Vieira and Saha.

Strengths and Weaknesses

To look at the team, they should be strong. You’ve got the likes of Gallas, Evra and Sagna at the back, Diarra in midfield, and then the attacking threat of Ribery, Henry and Anelka. Unfortunately, like Argentina, they seem rather hamstrung by a manager who is totally bananas.

Current Number One in France

Stromae, Alors On Dance

To show your support…

For France games, if you really want to show your support, simply chain smoke your way through a bottle of red, then finish the evening by taking a mistress.

Most blatant use of sex to sell football

For those wondering, no, this is not the actual French goalkeeper

If Domenech were a film character, he would be…

Inspector Clouseau. Like Peter Sellers’ hapless French cop, Domenech somehow appears incapable of losing his job, regardless of the fact that – for the most part – he’s absolutely awful at it. Unfortunately, he’s not quite as funny as Clouseau if you happen to be French.

The Spoiler Predicts: Should they pull themselves together, they could surprise everyone. But a hunch suggests quarter-finals, then out.

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