World Cup Fever

World Cup Profile: Holland

Beware the men in orange, world


Today, it’s the turn of the Dutch side. Also known as Holland, also known as The Netherlands. Like the rapper, Puff Daddy, no one is ever entirely sure how to address them. The Spoiler likes Holland best. Anyway, who the hell are these people, and what do they want? Read on to find out…

Form Guide

Like Spain, Holland enjoyed a magnificent qualifying round, as they coasted through eight victories, making them one of the form-teams in the world at the moment. They haven’t yet managed to make it count on the world stage, but those of a certain age will bore you to death with their tales of the magnificent 1974 team, who took football to new levels – commonly known as “total football”. Their odds of winning the whole thing are around 12/1 on Betfair.

Classic World Cup Moment

It would have to be the side of 1974 almost as a whole. But mainly featuring the legendary Johan Cruyff (not to be confused with his son, Jordi, who certainly didn’t inherit daddy’s sublime skills)…

Main Man

In attacking terms, the Holland team boasts a few big names - notably, Arjen Robben and Robin van Persie (27/1 to top score on Betfair) - but the little man pulling all of the strings is Inter’s Wesley Sneijder, who comes into the tournament on the back of a very decent season, and who has a very attractive girlfriend poetically named Yolanthe Cabau van Kasbergen. She once did a lapdance on TV, the minx:

Working Class Hero

You wouldn’t know it to look at him, but Rafael van der Vaart grew up on a grotty caravan park, presumably using old dirty rolled up socks and discarded bedsheets as makeshift footballs. And now look at him. An example to us all. He now enjoys the high life with this dancing woman:

Missing in Action

Rather embarrassingly, Ruud van Nistelrooy made a bit of a fuss about making himself available for selection, before being totally overlooked. Hey, why the long face, Ruud?

Strengths and Weaknesses

Simply put, as attackers go, this team is a real force to be reckoned with, but unfortunately they’re more than a little bit shaky at the back. Their skipper, Giovanni van Bronckhorst, could prove to be something of a weak link if he comes up against a zippy winger or two. The man’s 35-years-old, for heaven’s sake!

Current Number One in Holland

Stromae, Alors on Dance

To show your support…

If you happen to have visited Holland, chances are that you spent your entire trip sitting in an Amsterdam “coffee shop”. Hence, you know the drill. A few doobies, then an afternoon of giggling at football, before wondering out loud if anyone has any crisps… or a pizza… or a Pot Noodle… or Cornflakes. Ah, yeah man, Cornflakes! Cornflakes are soooo good.

The Spoiler predicts: Great going forward, could come unstuck at the back. Quarter finals.

3 responses so far
  • QStel // May 19, 2010 at 12:30 pm

    There is a very real chance that Holland will come up against Portugal in the Quarter Finals. That is going to be classic (remember the Holland – Portugal game in 2006, better known as “The Battle of Nuremburg”).

  • Cosmos // May 19, 2010 at 12:55 pm

    I reckon they’ll go all the way this year. How did Real Madrid let all those dutch players go?

  • arjen // May 19, 2010 at 5:20 pm

    Ham and cheese toastie yesh?

Leave a comment
  1. View comments in RSS feed