World Cup Fever

World Cup Profile: USA

“U! S! A!”

Landon Donovan

Today, it’s the turn of those lovely American chaps, who will be seriously attempting to urinate on England’s chips during the group stages. But can they do it? And, more importantly, who ARE these people? Read on to find out…

Form Guide

As they proved by beating Spain in the Confederations Cup last year, the USA are not to be taken lightly. The team now features a few players of genuine pedigree, and having qualified at the top of their World Cup qualifying group, England would be wise not to get too cocky before kick off. If you think they can win the thing, you’ll find their odds at about 89/1 on Betfair. Seriously though, they won’t win.

World Cup Moment

Of course, the Americans fared pretty well in the 1930 World Cup – coming in at an impressive third. But, in the run up to this one, much will be made of the 1950 match against England, in which they pulled off a 1-0 upset.

Main Man

The spine of the team isn’t too shabby, with the likes of Tim Howard, Oguchi Onyewu, and Clint Dempsey all having performed to a relatively high level in Europe. But the man carrying the hopes of his fair nation will be Landon Donovan, who some might remember during his very impressive loan spell at Everton. You can get odds of him top scoring at around 400/1 on Betfair. And here he is getting convincingly cross with a reporter…

Working Class Hero

Fans of Jerry Springer will be all too aware of the freakish buck-toothed faction of America, known as “trailer trash”. But did you know that Fulham’s Clint Dempsey grew up in a trailer park? It’s true. As a child, his family lived in a weird caravan thing, with young Clint presumably wiling away the weekends playing soccer with a warped American football. And now look at him. An example to us all. Here he is rapping about his life, keeping it real etc…:

Most Uncouth Player

As everyone knows, urinating in public is rather frowned upon. A fact that didn’t even cross DaMarcus Beasley’s mind, as he casually flopped out the old man and proceeded to water the pitch during an important World Cup match. Naughty DaMarcus.

Strengths and Weaknesses

In the past, the main criticism of the US team was that most of the players hadn’t competed at the highest level – with the MLS viewed as rather second rate. But now that they have a mob of players plying their trade in Europe, they could prove to be something of a surprise package. On the downside, there’s no real strength in depth.

Current Number One in America

Usher, OMG

To show your support…

Americans like to celebrate hard with a series of chest bumps, and enthralling “USA!” chants. Grab yourself a six pack and a hotdog, then spend the afternoon/evening randomly shouting “offside, you jerk!” whenever there’s a lull in proceedings.

Most blatant use of sex to sell football…

A “blonde” team prepares to take on some “brunettes”. This does not happen in “regular” football…

The Spoiler Predicts: With a bit of wind in their sails, our American cousins should make the Last 16.


3 responses so far
  • Mate // May 21, 2010 at 8:23 pm

    USA!USA!USA!

  • Sam // May 21, 2010 at 8:43 pm

    Also, the revolutionary war thing

  • Brummiechimp // May 21, 2010 at 9:00 pm

    I normally wouldn’t care too much how the USA did, but as Marcus Hahnemann has just done a sterling job in helping Wolves to retain Premier League status, I can only wish them all the best.

Leave a comment
  1. View comments in RSS feed