CLUMSINESS REPORT

Emile Heskey reveals how he ended Rio’s World Cup

‘Burly hitman’ is awfully sorry

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You have to feel a little sorry for Emile Heskey. It’s not his fault managers persist on selecting him. Or that most pundits can’t go two minutes without spouting ball-achingly tired platitudes like “England strikers ‘love’ to play with him”. Or that he’s just generally terrible at being a forward (OK, maybe that one is his fault.)

Questioned by many fans before he’d even packed his toothbrush and stepped on the plane, Emile’s World Cup misery was further compounded by crippling Rio Ferdinand 48 hours after touching down in South Africa.

This morning Heskey sat down with a box of tissues, clutched a big cushion to his chest and told The Sun exactly what happened:

What happened was that I tried to turn the ball round the corner and fell backwards onto him but his leg was in a position where he couldn’t actually move it.

So, basically, he tried the sort of move you’d see being pulled off with ease at Under-8s level, and fell over. We’re sure you’ll find a use for those sorts of dazzling skills in the World Cup, Emile.

The Spoiler doesn’t know whether Darren Bent will be sitting at home laughing at the slapstick ineptitude of it all, or chewing his fist in fury. Maybe he’ll just be playing Call of Duty.


3 responses so far
  • Nicollers // June 10, 2010 at 12:09 pm

    Classic post. Made me LOL. I can just picture Emile attempting a Cruyff Turn and totally falling on his arse. Can’t say I’m feeling sorry for Rio. He’s looked knackered this season and defo didn’t deserve the captain’s armband.

    Stevie G to to lift the cup!

    Come on England!!!

  • Willie Maley // June 10, 2010 at 2:12 pm

    They don’t call Heskey a cart horse for nothing. LOL

  • armless b*ch on crutches // June 14, 2010 at 3:19 pm

    Yeah, the prick almost ended Tim Howard’s World Cup as well.

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