Problems Problems

Roughly 10 World Cup mistakes made by England

Textbook stop by Green… oh hang on!

Robert Green

From now until the point at which everyone gets tired of analysing England’s problems, and resort instead to puffing out their cheeks and walking away crying whenever the World Cup is mentioned, the microscope will be focussed on what exactly went wrong.

So, in the spirit of getting to the bottom of this bloody mess, below is a short list of things that may or may not have made it impossible for England to win the World Cup…

1. Capello is too stubborn

Looking increasingly like an angry character from Bo Selecta, Capello needs to lighten up, and listen to the criticism. The more people pushed him into a corner demanding a wiser formation, the more he seemed determined to win using a rubbish 4-4-2 - thereby metaphorically castrating his two best players, Rooney and Gerrard. Like a nomadic mule that’s also invisible as well as cripplingly shy, there’s just no communicating with this guy. 

2. You can’t take wounded soldiers into battle

During the build up to the World Cup, Capello said all the right things about taking players who were on form, and definitely not injured. He then went into meltdown, and picked a squad made up of players who were all carrying injuries, and Emile Heskey. Was he being sarcastic?

3. The players keep LYING

Remember how in early June, Steven G revealed that Capello had taught his boys how to have a “winning mentality“? Well, as it happens, he was totally lying. Or perhaps something was lost in translation here? Either way, something stinks, and it’s not Dirk Kuyt’s fourth choice going out trainers.

4. Steven G and Lampsie can’t play together!

This one is just getting boring now. Giants for their clubs, Lampsie and Gerrard simply can’t play in the same side. To put another angle on this to help people understand why, just imagine the planet’s two greatest actors – Keanu Reeves and the little boy who plays Harry Potter – starring in the same movie. It’d be rubbish.

5. They should have practiced with the ball more, got used to it

Yes, to you and your friends a football is just a football. But for the delicate, sensitive feet of professional Premier League footballers, even the most miniscule difference feels like you’ve just been introduced to your dad’s hot new girlfriend, and she wants you to immediately start calling her “mummy”. It just doesn’t feel right.

6. JT should have remained the captain

Whether you loathe or hate John Terry, England seemed to be winning when he was wearing the prefect’s armband. And, come on, who hasn’t had a little bit of sex with the mother of their best friend’s children?

7. England players just aren’t as good as everyone thinks

It has been suggested that Glen Johnson is really just a poor man’s Eboue, whilst Steven Gerrard is a twisted hybrid of two other great Liverpool Steves – McMahon, and McManaman. Only less good than that particular morphing of qualities would actually be. Anyway, that’s not the point, the point is that perhaps England’s millionaires aren’t as good as other people’s?

8. The goalkeeper conundrum was ridiculous

As Robert Green quite rightly pointed out by deliberately spilling the ball into his own net against America, you simply can’t keep a goalkeeper guessing whether he’ll be playing or not. It’s a move akin to bursting into a room and photographing Cheryl Cole WITHOUT HER MAKE UP ON. She’s not ready! She’s not ready! etc… 

9. Everyone gets far too carried away

Look at Spain. Now look at Brazil. Now look at Holland. Now take a moment to think about Argentina. Look at the way Chile play football. Think about Cristiano Ronaldo zipping around for Portugal. Ponder the Germans. And, finally, look at England. Really look at them. Stop crying. Keep looking. Notice anything? That’s right, they’re the fifth or sixth best team on that list.

10. England needed Theo Walcott

Okay, that one might be a joke. Or is it?


12 responses so far
  • DaveyNC // June 28, 2010 at 4:45 pm

    Nah, maybe the 10th or 12th best team on that list.

  • Bob the Clarinet // June 28, 2010 at 6:47 pm

    Just a trivial point:
    “To put another angle on this to help people understand why, just imagine the planet’s two greatest actors – Keanu Reeves and the little boy who plays Harry Potter – starring in the same movie. It’d be rubbish.”
    …but Keanu is a good actor. Okay, maybe not Radcliffe but still.
    http://whoaisnotme.net/arguments.htm
    Just saying.

  • G'day UK // June 29, 2010 at 12:35 am

    Poor tactics, bad selection, players did not perform.

  • Arun Gopal // June 29, 2010 at 5:07 am

    Theo Walcott’s form towards the end of the season was terrific for example (against barcelona)..
    He should have been chosen in place of wright phillips.
    Now Fabio has to quit for such an embarresment.

  • dietre // June 29, 2010 at 9:53 am

    we will always have ’66′

  • stiffmeister // June 29, 2010 at 11:49 am

    Great lessons to the sports future stars on how not to defend. On paper the England team looked world class – in reality they were just rubbish making schoolboy error after schoolboy error & creating very few chances. I just pray that rooney plays for united next season like he did for england this world cup. The team was lucky to make it out of the first round. Pony with a capital F.

  • Darren // June 29, 2010 at 1:24 pm

    “JT should have remained the captain”

    So you’re saying that his positional pace and lack of pace would somehow be remedied by some elastic and velcro on his arm?

    He hasn’t merited a place in the team for some time. He isn’t even the best centre-back or leader for his club, and a string of easy games in the qualifiers just disguised that.

  • Darren // June 29, 2010 at 1:24 pm

    *positional play, d’oh!

  • jamjam // June 29, 2010 at 1:55 pm

    a simple answear to why england failed is the players were too tired !! and stubborn capello could not understand that !! and he over worked then in training !!

  • Wayne Bridge // June 29, 2010 at 4:37 pm

    I should have been captain and then it would have been ok and we would have beaten Algeria. I’m quite good at beaten at the moment.

  • John Terry // October 25, 2010 at 2:35 pm

    You cant beat rubbish, your just angry at the fact that i am a beast at defence and your not. And your ex agrees that i am a beast.

  • Vanessa Perroncel // January 2, 2011 at 2:04 am

    At least he wasn’t part of that team. I mean come on John, you just embarrassed yourself. Not that you hadn’t already done that. You just made it worse. Oh, and now that we’re over, I’m SO team Bridge.

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