Roughly 10 World Cup mistakes made by England
Textbook stop by Green… oh hang on!
From now until the point at which everyone gets tired of analysing England’s problems, and resort instead to puffing out their cheeks and walking away crying whenever the World Cup is mentioned, the microscope will be focussed on what exactly went wrong.
So, in the spirit of getting to the bottom of this bloody mess, below is a short list of things that may or may not have made it impossible for England to win the World Cup…
1. Capello is too stubborn
Looking increasingly like an angry character from Bo Selecta, Capello needs to lighten up, and listen to the criticism. The more people pushed him into a corner demanding a wiser formation, the more he seemed determined to win using a rubbish 4-4-2 - thereby metaphorically castrating his two best players, Rooney and Gerrard. Like a nomadic mule that’s also invisible as well as cripplingly shy, there’s just no communicating with this guy.
2. You can’t take wounded soldiers into battle
During the build up to the World Cup, Capello said all the right things about taking players who were on form, and definitely not injured. He then went into meltdown, and picked a squad made up of players who were all carrying injuries, and Emile Heskey. Was he being sarcastic?
3. The players keep LYING
Remember how in early June, Steven G revealed that Capello had taught his boys how to have a “winning mentality“? Well, as it happens, he was totally lying. Or perhaps something was lost in translation here? Either way, something stinks, and it’s not Dirk Kuyt’s fourth choice going out trainers.
4. Steven G and Lampsie can’t play together!
This one is just getting boring now. Giants for their clubs, Lampsie and Gerrard simply can’t play in the same side. To put another angle on this to help people understand why, just imagine the planet’s two greatest actors – Keanu Reeves and the little boy who plays Harry Potter – starring in the same movie. It’d be rubbish.
5. They should have practiced with the ball more, got used to it
Yes, to you and your friends a football is just a football. But for the delicate, sensitive feet of professional Premier League footballers, even the most miniscule difference feels like you’ve just been introduced to your dad’s hot new girlfriend, and she wants you to immediately start calling her “mummy”. It just doesn’t feel right.
6. JT should have remained the captain
Whether you loathe or hate John Terry, England seemed to be winning when he was wearing the prefect’s armband. And, come on, who hasn’t had a little bit of sex with the mother of their best friend’s children?
7. England players just aren’t as good as everyone thinks
It has been suggested that Glen Johnson is really just a poor man’s Eboue, whilst Steven Gerrard is a twisted hybrid of two other great Liverpool Steves – McMahon, and McManaman. Only less good than that particular morphing of qualities would actually be. Anyway, that’s not the point, the point is that perhaps England’s millionaires aren’t as good as other people’s?
8. The goalkeeper conundrum was ridiculous
As Robert Green quite rightly pointed out by deliberately spilling the ball into his own net against America, you simply can’t keep a goalkeeper guessing whether he’ll be playing or not. It’s a move akin to bursting into a room and photographing Cheryl Cole WITHOUT HER MAKE UP ON. She’s not ready! She’s not ready! etc…
9. Everyone gets far too carried away
Look at Spain. Now look at Brazil. Now look at Holland. Now take a moment to think about Argentina. Look at the way Chile play football. Think about Cristiano Ronaldo zipping around for Portugal. Ponder the Germans. And, finally, look at England. Really look at them. Stop crying. Keep looking. Notice anything? That’s right, they’re the fifth or sixth best team on that list.
10. England needed Theo Walcott
Okay, that one might be a joke. Or is it?