Important Fashion News

Alan Shearer’s dreamy fashion sense gets a royal ass kicking

Alan and his lovely blue hat

Alan Shearer

For those of you who would rather not be associated with the kind of pipe smoking Jazz heads who read Communist newspapers like The Guardian, today’s edition features a wonderful Q&A about men’s fashion - with an extra bowl of cattiness reserved for a pair of style icons called Alan Shearer and Alan Hansen.

“Mike, Liverpool” wonders why so many men have taken to wearing black button down shirts on TV. To which The Guardian’s style expert, Hadley Freeman, explains:

Mike, I’m going to lay myself on the line and hazard a guess that you have been watching the World Cup on the British Broadcasting Corporation’s channel, yes? So when you say you have “noticed a lot of men wearing black button-down shirts”, you mean you have been watching a lot of Alan Shearer and Alan Hansen, and the fact that you, adorably, have deduced that their respective wardrobes are in anyway connected to the land of the stylish suggests, my dear boy, that it is time to leave your man-cave and emerge, blinking and stretching, into the real world again.

It is a funny old thing, the correlation between the presence of football commentators on TV and the presence of black button-down shirts. Fortunately, I am an expert and shall explain the connection. Black button-down shirts are basically the upper-body equivalent of black jeans, which were discussed on this page a few weeks ago. Just as some misguided men think the black gives the jeans a smack of formality while the denim gives the black a hint of youthful cool (both beliefs = wrongness), so too Hansen and Shearer seem to think the black gives their shirts some suave sleekness, while the buttons retain the formality. Again, wrong and wrong. Instead, they look like a pair of bouncers from Jack Tweed’s favourite nightclub, Faces of Essex. Worse, when they are flanking Harry Redknapp, it looks like poor old ‘arry ‘as ‘ired some bodyguards to make himself look important, quite possibly from 1-800-GUARD4U.

None of this represents a positive turn of events. Instead, I would like the Alans to take note of their MC, Gary Lineker, who has been sporting a quality selection of pink button-down shirts, which not only proves he is a man who doesn’t feel the need to look like a Guy Ritchie extra to prove his masculinity, but also is far more flattering on the complexion. ‘Tis not for nothing that this man gets paid to eat crisps with Cat Deeley, you know.

And with regards to you, Mike, stop taking fashion tips from football pundits, for that is what you have done. Read that sentence again and weep in shame.

Great to know, Hadley. Great to know.

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