A very rough guide

Hey, Joe Cole, here’s 5 useful facts about Liverpool!

Liverpool – not normally this crowded


Well, it’s good news all round for Liverpool, with news that not only did Steven G persuade Joey Coley to join, but he might now stick around himself.

What Gerrard actually said to Cole will forever be their little secret, but after the jump, you’ll find five good reasons to visit the former European Capital of Culture. Joe Cole, this is mainly for your benefit… 

Liverpool is responsible for at least 21 per cent of the country’s most beautiful women


Close your eyes and think of some beautiful women. Nice aren’t they? Now substitute those beautiful women with British women. Really think about them. What have they got? Lovely blonde hair? Impressive bosoms? Is one of them a little bit ginger?

Sir, you have just accurately described the members of Liverpool’s all-girl pop group, Atomic Kitten. And lest you forget, the former Miss England, Danielle Lloyd (pictured), and one or two of the hot ones from Hollyoaks are also from Liverpool.

Is there a sexier city in the North West, Joe? Two words: no actually.

Liverpool is the greatest city in the world for music!

Penny Lane

Were it not for Liverpool, pop music wouldn’t exist – nightclubs would be completely silent (bar some light groaning coming from Dean Gaffney’s table), and people would see in the New Year by quietly shaking hands. There would be no such thing as dancing.

So, Joe Cole, you would be wise to leave at least 25GB free on your iPod to fill with the wonderful works of local bands like Space, Half Man Half Biscuit, A Flock of Seagulls, and, of course, that legendary four piece: The Boo Radleys.

Merseybeat? No sir, a Mersey TREAT, please.

Steven Gerrard’s fancy new restaurant is just up the road

Steven Gerrard

Steven G’s brand new culinary venture, Warehouse, can be found just up the road in sunny Southport. With the promise of Phil Collins/U2 on the jukebox, and a prawn cocktail starter, it’s pretty hard to resist.

A Guardian reviewer said this about one of the mains:

“I had miso-marinated black cod with a radish salad, and if Walkers crisps could capture that essence in its new range, Gary Lineker would be ecstatic.”

Praise indeed.

Joe Cole, you could presumably dine for nothing, so long as you don’t start taking the piss and turning up for a free lunch every day.

Liverpool is the golfing capital of England

Royal Birkdale

As proven by some recent pictures of Joe Cole playing golf, Joe Cole absolutely loves golf!

And, frankly Joe, if it’s an afternoon of slowly wandering around occasionally stopping to thwack a ball into a sandpit with a stick that floats your boat, then Liverpool is the place to be.

Merseyside is home to about fifty courses, although at least ten of those are just back gardens with mismatching holes dug up on the lawn. That said, seven of them are considered to be so magnificent that actual tournaments are played on them.

The pictured one is Royal Birkdale – not a million miles away from Steven G’s restaurant if you’re after a free lunch.

Liverpool have a clock that’s even bigger than Big Ben

Liver Building

Of course, the hardest thing for Joe Cole will be homesickness. He’s left so much behind – karaoke nights with the lads, evenings of energetic slam dancing at Movida – so might The Spoiler recommend a short trip to The Liver Building to look solemnly at the clock?

It’s a bit like Big Ben, Joe – only bigger! See, Liverpool’s not so different to London, when you think about it.

Liverpool fans, do you have any recommendations for Joe? Let us know in the comments section.

16 responses so far
  • Mish // July 20, 2010 at 4:48 pm

    Big Ben’s a bell not a fucking clock you dunderpate.

  • Missy // July 20, 2010 at 5:12 pm

    Big Ben’s a horse you improvident lackwit.

    (Oops…Big Ben WAS a horse.)

  • Dan // July 20, 2010 at 5:13 pm

    Mega lolz


  • Tim Tim // July 20, 2010 at 5:31 pm

    Big Ben is my penis you contankerous jizz face.

  • ;-@ // July 20, 2010 at 5:56 pm

    Message removed – please at least try to keep it clean, people

  • ismail sheikh musa // July 20, 2010 at 6:17 pm

    we say joe cole nice boy welcome jeo yuo wiil do everything anfield joe and has friends

  • ismail sheikh musa // July 20, 2010 at 6:21 pm

    i love liverpoolb liverpool it take my heart every match liverpool i enjoy

  • frank // July 20, 2010 at 7:06 pm

    yea all good but will he be able to communicate will the liverpool residents, from my understanding they speak a primeval caevman language closely related to duck quaks called scouse

  • Juliet // July 20, 2010 at 8:25 pm

    Will he have to learn to whine and winge…
    Hope his house has some good security!

  • Daniel // July 20, 2010 at 10:21 pm

    Big Ben is the nick name for my penis ;D

  • JamRag // July 21, 2010 at 5:06 pm

    don’t forget the Mersey Tunnel herself… Alex Curran

  • Danny // July 22, 2010 at 6:51 pm

    well if steven does as good a job scouserising joe cole as he did with kuyt then all should be good. give that man a scouse/dutch passport.

  • Danny // July 22, 2010 at 6:53 pm


  • josh // July 22, 2010 at 9:01 pm

    “Mish // Jul 20, 2010 at 4:48 pm

    Big Ben’s a bell not a fucking clock you dunderpate.”
    oh dear

  • Culloden Crow // July 23, 2010 at 3:34 pm

    “Big Ben is the nickname for the great bell of the clock at the north end of the Palace of Westminster in London and is often extended to refer to the clock or the clock tower as well.” – Wikipedia

  • JamRag // July 23, 2010 at 4:13 pm

    Big Bens A Bell End Of.

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