A list

5 reasons why Ashley Cole should go to Real Madrid

Joke never gets old…

Cashley Cole 

The big news on the football grapevine is that Jose Mourinho is so keen to land Ashley Cole that he’s named him “number one target”, or some such.

Below you’ll find five good reasons why Ashley should probably go. Feel free to add your own in the comments section (do try to keep it clean!)…. 

1. No one will know about him, the puking, and the hairdresser

The archive devoted to Ashley Cole’s most appalling moments is pretty much brimming over, but lurking somewhere near the bottom - in the gunk - is the time that he banged a hairdresser, puked, then carried on. Yes, everyone’s been there. But not everyone was married to Cheryl Cole at the time - she’s a PRINCESS. And, whilst it’s not remotely related, now she’s got Malaria. Nice one Ashley! 

2. The Spanish don’t hate him… yet

Many would argue that Ashley Cole is simply a victim of technology. If it weren’t for things like mobile phones, Blackberry’s, conversations, cameras, “lifestyle” websites, and the universal ability of people of all ages to have opinions, he might actually seem like a really nice guy. Unfortunately, he’s reportedly developed a rather tawdry habit of cyber-sending hot pictures of himself to girls who need money from tabloids to get their boobs done. And he didn’t exactly help himself when he texted a mate to complain that all English people are bastards. Spain, however, might actually like him for that.

3. He’ll have a whole new flock of glamour girls to arrogantly smear his hamster-like hands over

Weirdly, despite everything, Ashley Cole doesn’t seem to have any problems persuading women to have sexual intercourse with him. But, even so, the prospect of sweeping up the leftovers from Cristiano Ronaldo’s sexy reign could be too tempting for a man so full of lust to resist.

4. “Cashley” doesn’t really translate in Spanish

Unlike most other countries, the English don’t opt for complimentary nicknames – they tend to either be designed to gently mock the recipient, or they’re totally full of hatred. To jog your memory, Cashley earnt his moniker shortly after making it clear that his bulbous football wage at Arsenal was too lowly for someone so deserving as him. An entire nation chose to disagree, and now he gets booed at football matches and weddings.

5. He would probably be really good at Real Madrid

Whether you loathe him or hate him, it’s impossible to ignore the fact that Ashley Cole is still a magnificent footballer – one of the best around. His style of play would suit La Liga, and with a bit of time apart, the people of England might yet learn to appreciate him as just another in a long line of “flawed geniuses”. A long shot, but worth a go.

11 responses so far
  • Pipita // July 26, 2010 at 1:05 pm

    Ashley (LB) and Di Maria (LW) on the left, Ramos/Maicon (RB) and Ronaldo on the right means showtime in Madrid.

  • Mr. Chopper // July 26, 2010 at 2:07 pm

    Ashley’s got a big problem regarding being “outed” in the English press at the moment, hence the tales every week about him banging a different slapper in some pub toilet or getting somebody pregnant.

    The Spanish media are MUCH worse for homophobia, so I wouldn’t fancy his chances if anything were to come out during a move.

  • Whitt // July 26, 2010 at 3:20 pm


  • Sam // July 26, 2010 at 3:24 pm

    Leave the guy alone. I’m hoping you people that is calling Ashley names and wishing him evil hasn’t got children or not planning to have any in the future. Nobody knows what they will do tomorrow or their children. He is sombodies child. Are you with out sin? No sin is greater.

    Leave him alone are you apart of the marriage? Cheryl doesn’t hate him, she still loves him so he must have some good qualities!!!

  • JamRag // July 26, 2010 at 3:28 pm

    Didnt he allegedly insert a mobile phone into his rectum?

    This is a very popular pastime in Spain.

  • rob // July 26, 2010 at 3:40 pm

    I’m surprised Stevie “Teflon” Gerrard has not featured here. They love boxers with a strong uppercut and also love to applaud headless runs around the arena. Mind you that could be a lot of old bull.

  • Rich // July 27, 2010 at 8:57 am

    What a stupid article! Sounds like the words of a bitter Arsenal fan… to which I pose this question?

    What’s in your trophy cabinet?

    Cole is going nowhere as Ancelotti has made clear in numerous press conferences. I think all the jealous Arsenal fans need to shelve the ‘Cashley’ joke as it is kinda old and do something more productive… like support their women’s team who seem to be the only ones filling the emirates trophy cabinet.

  • JoshBurt // July 27, 2010 at 9:54 am

    I’m not an Arsenal fan, Rich.

  • chelsie // July 27, 2010 at 10:26 pm

    @ mr chopper. Ashley 100% isn’t gay hence why he hates Newsgroup over a story that doesn’t name him or anyone.. and when they tried breaking into his mother’s house.

    Believe it or not, he doesn’t have any PR people or an management or any deal with the newspapers because if he did, nothing will ever ever come out. Not only that, he isn’t a fame whore.

    6. Spain knows how to keep out of other people’s business.

    7. Better quality girls.

    8. No longer required to listen to Cheryl ‘sing’ on radio or to go and see her ‘perform’

  • Wale Ajayi // July 28, 2010 at 12:44 pm

    Please help to rebuild their marraige and not destroy it. How would you feel if another man moves in to “help” your wife treat fever?

  • Mr. Chopper // July 28, 2010 at 5:14 pm


    “Ashley 100% isn’t gay hence why he hates Newsgroup over a story that doesn’t name him or anyone.. and when they tried breaking into his mother’s house.”

    One of us has worked on the Sunday Mirror. It isn’t you. You should see the number of stories that Cheryl people have had buried… You wouldn’t even think she’s capable of glassing somebody, what with the image she’s carefully got in place.

    “Believe it or not, he doesn’t have any PR people or an management or any deal with the newspapers because if he did, nothing will ever ever come out.”

    I can only assume that you are referring to the stories of him being a womanising, lady-killing cheat. Who do you think sends those stories out? Not only does he have a great team, but that team has at least THREE other Premiership footballers that are being protected in similar ways. One of those clients had a nasty accident last season.

    Why do you think there has been an image of him being pushed as a womanising, partying cheat? Him being gay would be the last thing you could accuse him of! In which case, the team have done their work properly… He couldn’t possibly be gay. Look again at the pictures and stories from his last big show on holiday, then ask again who the people he’s with are. Those two girls were students, and not the best looking either. Why would he be with them? He wasn’t there with them – they were there with him. Being a student is a pretty expensive task these days…

    “Spain knows how to keep out of other people’s business.”

    Have you ever read El Mundo?! Do you not remember the Ibrahimovic and Pique slander?

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