Transfer Talk

Crouchie back to Liverpool, United to hijack Milner…

Um, something about “taking the plunge”?

Peter Crouch 

Of course, the big news today is that Paul Robinson and Wes Brown have opted to watch England matches just like the rest of us, wisely choosing a big TV/comfy sofa combo over an uncomfortable pitch side seat in an overcrowded dugout that smells of Ashley Cole’s potent Sex Panther aftershave.

Good for them. If you can think of anyone else who should really think about calling it a day, feel free to name and shame them in the comments section.

In the meantime, here’s what we know about transfers, thanks to the likes of the Daily Mail, Caught Offside, The Sun, and The Guardian

Before the silver spray paint has even dried on their victorious Community Shield, the honchos at Man United are rumoured to be busily attempting to restructure their winning midfield. But they’ve got a real job on their hands.

Ever increasing whispers suggest that they’re going to be waving free Simply Red CDs at James Milner, in a bid to snatch him from beneath Man City noses.

A figure of around £32million is being thrown around, which would be quite a splash for the poor man’s Owen Hargreaves.

Mick Hucknall’s favourite team will also be going head-to-head with Mesut Ozil’s favourite team to sign Mesut Ozil. United fancy the German playmaker, but so do Barcelona, of whom he once said this:

“Playing for Barcelona has always been my dream and someday I hope to achieve it.”


Just a few miles up the road – past the various luxury appartments either rented or owned by the bosomy actresses who make up the cast of Hollyoaks (pictured), and over an area of wasteland which is actually Gary Neville’s roof terrace – there is much talk about Liverpool.

Today’s rumours suggest that spaghetti-legged ex-Arsenal man Alyaksandr Hleb could be on his way over to Anfield to urinate all over Ryan Babel’s chips, plus there is a whisper going around that Peter Crouch will be returning to the club that played a big part in uniting him with his girlfriend, Abbey Clancy.

Of course, now that he’s been caught out with a prozzie, he mightn’t be so welcome in those there parts. Along with beautiful women like Danielle Lloyd and the various members of Atomic Kitten, she happens to be Liverpool’s most valuable princess. Like a national treasure, but on a local scale.

And in five-word news:

Cole, Carvalho, Gerrard, staying put.

And two-word:

Pienaar, Villa.

Given, Arsenal.

That is all.

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