Crystal Ball

The Spoiler’s 10 Premier League 2010/11 predictions

Yes, welcome back, Newcastle fans

Newcastle

Get really excited everyone – the Premier League is back! This is wonderful news, and hopefully a couple of decent weekends will blow away the awful cobwebs left behind by a very disappointing World Cup.

After the jump, you can enjoy ten predictions of things that will DEFINITELY happen. Feel free to leave your own ones in the comments section… 

Newcastle fans will bring toplessness back

Most football fans tend to adopt a uniform when attending a match, and up in Newcastle, the look du jour involves a nice pair of jeans/trackie bots, and absolutely no shirt. No jumper. No nothing. Just the revolting flabby body that the good lord blessed you with, only much more tatted up than he/she ever intended. Welcome back, Newcastle fans. You have been missed. Kind of. In a way. By some people.

Tourism will be boosted in Blackpool

Now that end of the pier fun has died a death, Blackpool isn’t so much England’s Vegas, as the spooky deserts that surround it. To such an extent that some people argue that it’s near impossible to differentiate between genuine locals and foreign ghost train employees. But, thankfully, that all looks set to change, with a whopping great influx of weekend football tourists for at least a year. Result.

Wenger will reveal what he’s been building all these years

There’s no doubting Arsene Wenger’s past successes, but the French professor has been locked away for some years now, fusing strange combinations together, promising something mind blowing. What has he been building in there? Now it’s time for the big reveal. He’s either football’s Doc Emmett Brown, or that shame-faced pillock at the end of The Wizard of Oz.

Business will be resumed for the Big Four

Last season may yet prove to have been something of a false dawn, with a hunch suggesting that the Big Four of old will return to their usual positions. Statistics will tell you that Liverpool don’t tend to miss out on top four finishes two seasons in a row, and the other three are still the biggest teams in the country. One particularly legendary Spoiler comment once read “but you can prove anything with statistics”. Sadly for the likes of Man City and Tottenham, that’s not entirely true. 

Man City will turn into Frankenstein’s Monster

Whilst Man City honchos are busily attempting to build something of Pygmalion beauty, fans of the Frankenstein films might have an altogether different take on things. A rag tag bunch of bounty hunters look unlikely to gel into a functioning side, so may choose instead to turn on Dr Mancini. Craig Bellamy has already kick-started that particular trend.

Someone will get fired

Unsurprisingly, the knives are already out for Premier League managers, with Chris Hughton and Roberto Mancini the bookies favourites to get the chop. If things aren’t smelling very rosy in the Man City garden come early Winter, Mancini can probably scrap the English Christmas carol practice.

Some team will be less disappointing than expected

The top spots will attract the usual suspects like magnets, so no surprises there. But the mid-table always promises an intruder that no one expected to see. A reinvigorated Newcastle side might pull something startling out of the bag. Or could Blackpool yet surprise us all? Actually, on reflection, ignore the last bit.

Legs will break

Can you remember the last time there was an entire Premier League campaign which didn’t involve a millionaire’s leg bending at a right angle in the wrong direction, then doing that horrible thing where it suddenly goes limp and rag-doll like, as though it’s suddenly detatched itself from the rest of the body? Well, expect more of that.

Ryan Giggs will continue to defy time

Whilst a withering Gary Neville looks on from the dugout, muttering and bewildered, Ryan Giggs will continue to stick two fingers up at Old Father Time, as he springs about the pitch like an immortal football unicorn. Paul Scholes will be equally impressive, albeit in a slightly more asthmatic way.

Alan Shearer will state the obvious

By stating that Alan Shearer will state the obvious, The Spoiler has unwittingly stated the obvious. Were this kind of trend to continue, the universe would unravel. It’s like looking into a mirror through another mirror. For your own sake, you need to stop reading this. Now.


2 responses so far
  • shaan // August 16, 2010 at 1:09 am

    haha brilliant articale

  • Gamblos // August 16, 2010 at 8:50 am

    You are a true oracle!

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