Free Advice

10 Suggestions that could improve Ashley Cole’s profile

What can he do to make you love him?

Ashley Cole 

As reported in today’s Daily Mail, the honchos behind the scenes at Chelsea are keen to revitalise the public face of Ashley Cole. Club chairman, Bruce Buck, said this on the matter:

“He has just got to work a little bit, with our help, on improving his image.”

Or, Bruce, with The Spoiler’s help, perhaps? After the jump you’ll find ten VERY USEFUL suggestions…

Go on The Jeremy Kyle Show

Jeremy Kyle

Now, without wishing to resort to the dark art of stereotyping, a hunch suggests that many of Ashley Cole’s more ferocious “haters” don’t tend to be in the office between 9.30am and 10.30am on weekday mornings. Hence, if he really wants to win over the baying mob, Ashley might be wise to talk things out ON NATIONAL TELEVISION with the legendary mood swinger, Jeremy Kyle. Things might start ugly with a livid Jeremy Kyle berating Cole for having it off with hairdressers, even though his ex-wife, Cheryl, was better looking than Helen of Troy. But, by the end, he’ll be calling a tearful Ashley “mate”, as a live studio audience takes it in turns to stand up and explain to the left back that it ain’t too late in the day to, you know, change and everything.

Go to rehab

The Priory

In Hollywood, the PR people know exactly how to handle controversial characters – simply send them to “rehab”. Send them even if their “illness” doesn’t exist, and insist to the press that, actually, they now treat thousands of people a year who are suffering from “Arrogance Addiction”, or “Behaving like a twat dependency”. Readers of important celebrity magazines find these kind of tales of woe both moving and thrilling. Then all Ashley need do is emerge after a couple of months, declaring himself to be “totally better” – a new man.

Distract people with fashion

Ashley Cole

You’d be surprised at how effective a well-timed makeover can be. In fact, more beady eyed readers might already have noticed that celebrities tend to dress rather more garishly when the cold hand of controversy is busily punching them in the underpants. Of course, Ashley has already attempted this trick by growing a beard earlier in the year, but perhaps he just needs to try a bit harder? Think about it – could you still hate Ashley Cole is he had a hilarious Valderrama cut? Of course you couldn’t (proof above).

Cash in on Crouch’s cock-up

Abbey Clancy and Peter Crouch

As proven by Craig Bellamy’s timely outburst against JT, sometimes it’s well worth it to ride the wave of disapproval surrounding one of your peers. Hence, Ashley could do a lot worse than barge in on the ongoing Peter Crouch/Abbey Clancy debacle with a few choice words – along the lines of yes, he might have done a few bad things in his time, but at least he didn’t PAY for it behind Cheryl’s back. This one’s known in the trade as “a classic diversion tactic“.

Showcase a more “sensitive side”

Flowers

The problem is that no one really knows anything about Ashley Cole’s sensitive side. The side that probably feels a little bit insecure sometimes. The side that presumably finds him self-loathingly standing alone in front of a full length mirror writing words like “whore” and “bitch” on his naked chest in lipstick. It would be a good move if Ashley opened the doors to his inner workings, perhaps by writing some moving poems about being misunderstood? Or by setting up a blog about flowers.

Go out with someone even less popular than himself

Naomi Campbell

Cheryl Cole’s surge into the nation’s hearts appeared to be inversely proportional to her then-husband’s popularity – almost as if the more adored she became, the more people hated him. How Ashley must have yearned for the time she punched a toilet attendant in the face. But that’s just hindsight. Ideally, if Ashley is keen to continue having a love life, he’d be wise to look at potential partners who may be even less popular than himself – namely: Anthea Turner, Jodie Marsh, or Naomi Campbell. Feel free to leave your own suggestions in the comments section.

Leave Chelsea FC

Chelsea

Ashley Cole is now synonymous with Chelsea, so much so that visiting fans are damn near programmed to start booing every time a player so much as glances to the left hand side of the pitch. The only way to break this unfortunate cycle would be to leave the club, and hope that the negativity doesn’t follow him through the exit. Coincidentally enough, a move abroad – to, say, Real Madrid – would actually make for a very logical step.

Hold a press conference

Tiger Woods Press Conference

Remorse can be a very powerful thing, and Ashley might yet be surprised by how forgiving the general public can be. At last count, here’s a small list of things that he could say sorry for, should he so wish: 1. For leaving Arsenal and daring to demand lots of money for his trouble. 2. For having sex with a hairdresser and stopping midway to throw up, even though he was married to Cheryl Cole. 3. For having sex with other people, without being sick. 4. For sending revolting near-naked pictures of himself to groupies. 5. For texting his hatred of the English to a friend. 6. For going on holiday and chatting up girls. 7. For going to China Whites or something. 8. For being Ashley Cole. A simple three hour press conference, punctuated by moments of hysterical weeping, could work serious wonders here.  

Help out at an old people’s home

Old ladies

Regardless that he hasn’t actually commited a crime of any note beyond the obligatory footballer’s driving ban, it wouldn’t hurt if Ashley Cole undertook some voluntary community service to win over the punters. After all, could you still shout a stream of abuse at a man who you’d seen photographed – just him, an acoustic guitar, and Anton Ferdinand and Nigel Reo Coker as backing dancers - serenading a room full of bewildered pentioners?

Retire

Ashley Cole

Some of you will be very familiar with that saying about not knowing what you’ve got until it’s gone. It’s most often applied to failed relationships, or deaths. In this case, it could be applied to the premature retirement of a young man who just so happens to be one of England’s finest ever players. That’s actually a fact.

Do you have any suggestions for Ashley? Let us know with a comment.


10 responses so far
  • Sophie Stepover // August 17, 2010 at 5:35 pm

    1. Confiscate his cell phone.

    2. Limit his telephone/ISP account to receiving messages/calls only. That way…he can send whatever nudie pix he wants…but nobody’s getting them. He’ll get an inferiority complex while he waits for responses that will never arrive.

    3. Convince all the hot clubs to

  • Sophie Stepover // August 17, 2010 at 5:36 pm

    3. Convince all the hot clubs to put him on their “No Entry” list. OR…allow everyone to enter with a camera/video recorder.

  • erik // August 17, 2010 at 5:38 pm

    just f*cking go away. that is all.

  • Mary // August 17, 2010 at 6:00 pm

    Wait till Derek Hough cheats on Cheryl. Ashley won’t look quite so bad then.

  • shay // August 17, 2010 at 8:29 pm

    Wait till Derek Hough cheats on Cheryl with a man.

  • Tim Tim // August 18, 2010 at 8:08 am

    Wait till Cheryl has an affair with a woman and releases a sex tape

  • Darren // August 18, 2010 at 8:37 am

    Find Superman’s fortress of solitude. Then brick up the door behind you.

  • jake // August 18, 2010 at 10:22 am

    die…

  • Jess // August 18, 2010 at 10:57 am

    Leave !!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Fat Nakago // August 18, 2010 at 12:28 pm

    1. Join Brett Favre and the Minnesota Vike-Queens and win SUPER BOWL!!

    2. Take his talents to South Beach.

    3. Move to a quiet cottage on the Orkney Islands.

    4. Smile, at ALL times like some Chamber of Commerce glad-hander.

Leave a comment
  1. View comments in RSS feed