Good Boys

10 Footballers who wouldn’t visit prostitutes

Kinky picture used to depict story


If you’d asked The Spoiler a month or so ago to name one footballer who definitely wouldn’t reach into his pocket to score some cheap sex with a proz, the name Peter Crouch would have been at the top of the list.

Now – not so much. With that in mind, The Spoiler’s collective mind has been whirring, desperately trying to come up with a list of footballers who definitely wouldn’t pay for it. It’s much harder than you’d think. Feel free to add your own suggestions in the comments section…

Michael Owen – too serious. A hunch suggests that Michael Owen would be put out just buying a round of drinks for a table for two, let alone forking out for a dirty leg up.

Theo Walcott – too polite. Possibly terrified of his own genitals.

Kaka - too religious. Were Kaka to somehow find himself in the company of a hooker, it would only be to talk at length about the path to redemption.

Craig Bellamy – too opinionated. Regardless of his maverick nature, it’s hard to imagine Craig Bellamy being remotely impressed by a young lady looking to dole out cheap thrills for hard cash. Jog on, love.

Sol Campbell – too sensitive. Sol has the look of a man who likes to curl up into a ball and weep after sex. Most prostitutes wouldn’t tolerate that kind of behaviour.

Paul Scholes – too shy. It hardly requires a mountain of self-confidence to visit a hooker, but something about Paul Scholes suggests that he would even struggle to buy a grotty magazine without totally freaking out and sprinting home to shout at himself in the mirror.

Dirk Kuyt – too normal. Kuyt’s wife, Gertrude, broke the WAG mould when she kept on her nursing job after marrying the handsome Liverpool winger/striker/midfielder. And, like his wife, Dirk’s just not the type.

James Milner – too focused. With a face that belongs in a comic strip about the army, were an opportunist hooker to have a crack at James Milner, he/she would be met with total bewilderment. He would be paying for WHAT now?

Petr Cech – too nice. Unlike most of the strutting peacocks in the Premier League, Petr Cech seems like the kind of man who could be left alone with your wife/girlfriend without suggesting a quick shag.

Owen Hargreaves – too injury prone. So unlucky, Owen Hargreaves presumably sits still for hours on end, petrified by the thought of causing further damage to his fragile body. Would rampant sex for money honestly be worth losing a testicle for?

Any more for any more?

21 responses so far
  • Sophie Stepover // September 13, 2010 at 2:04 pm

    Don’t let the religious types (Kaka) fool you–they’re usually at the first of the line when it comes to nefarious behaviour. Jimmy Swaggert? Jim Bakker? Catholic priests?

    Theo Walcott would probably pay for it too–if only out of peer pressure.

    And anybody hanging out with CRon would be obliged to hang out with hookers.

    I’ll be horrified (or should that be “whoreified”?) if Chicharito, Torres, Reina, and Van der Sar pay for it.

  • Red Spain // September 13, 2010 at 4:22 pm

    Rafael van der Vaart – He’s a gypsy and gypsy’s don’t pay for anything!

    Carlos Tevez – So ugly that he would be paid to keep away! You can include Gary Neville in the same bracket …

    Andrey Arshavin – Doesn’t look any older than 11 years old, even if he wanted to – not sure that any working girl would take money off a 11 year old boy!

    Ricardo Carvalho – Unless the prostitutes name was Jose Mourinho I’m not sure he would be interested! Just like Gary Neville’s obsession with SAF.

  • Kylie // September 13, 2010 at 5:57 pm

    To be honest, I can’t imagine any of the first-choice keepers in the PL going into a brothel for various reasons.

  • Greg // September 13, 2010 at 6:27 pm

    Manuel Almunia – Just look at him! Dodgy hair last year, sure, but he looks like a spanish waiter.

  • douchette // September 13, 2010 at 8:18 pm

    James Milner – too GAY. Oh, he’d pay for it… just not for lady bits.

  • J // September 14, 2010 at 1:05 am

    Great, Josh. Now THAT is awesome stuff.

  • Myo Aung // September 14, 2010 at 1:18 am

    Lomana Lua Lua – too religious that he will recite the song of Psalm if thrown near a prostitute.

    David James: He is a goal keeper for decades and will not tolerate his ball slip into the net.

    Van Der Sar: He is a giraffe who hate glancing over to the other fence where chicken are chirping for food.

    Shaun Wrigth Phillips: He have a size of his body in his ball and could not trigger against wall of brick where bigger ones have pounded many times a day. He knows he will not fit in…

    Berbatov : He will bull gay rip apart.

    Ronaldo : The fat Ronaldo bumped into gay gang and he knows well about that.

    Ryan Giggs: He have only left-ball to play with and that is only for his wife.

    Big Sam is a porpoise.

    Who is Wigan captain anyway? That captain is an evangelist who preach not prick

  • Well thought out article // September 14, 2010 at 12:09 pm

    You trusted the internet to the comments section for this article!?

    That was a good idea…..

  • S // September 14, 2010 at 7:43 pm

    The Spanish players in the EPL all strike me as unlikely candidates. Torres seems like a real family man, as does Pepe, who also just exudes decency and normalcy. Silva’s got good boy written all over him. Cesc is a goofball and a dork (I mean that in the BEST way), in such a good hearted nice way. And I agree about Kaka. Wasn’t he part of a campaign against prostitution?

  • Dru // September 14, 2010 at 10:15 pm

    Agreed with S, none of the Spaniards seem likely hookering candidates at all- Torres, Reina, Silva, Cesc, Arteta, and anyway most of the Spanish NT seem to be either married or have long-term girlfriends- can’t imagine Xabi, David Villa or Iniesta ever stepping out on their SOs, and Navas seems too religious and straight-arrow to even go after any girl, forget hiring a hooker.

    The only wildcards in that team, i.e. serial daters- seem to be San Iker and the Ramos. Though I hope Iker doesn’t ever step out on Sara, they’re cute together.

  • Scott // September 15, 2010 at 11:24 am

    I thought the article was a bit daft until the “totally freaking out and sprinting home to shout at himself in the mirror” bit about Scholesy. Bahahahaha, brilliant!

  • lulu // September 16, 2010 at 12:48 am

    “after marrying the handsome Liverpool”
    That was low, guys… even for you. Still… xD!!!

  • Adam // September 16, 2010 at 12:03 pm

    Tim Cahill – His persistent need to punch something after scoring could turn out badly for the girl. Best for the hookers to stay away unless they’re looking for a left hook after Timmy has slotted one home.

  • PC // September 18, 2010 at 2:32 pm

    I know for a fact that Fernando Torres has been with a prostitute.

    I’m a police officer and recently interviewed a high class Thai hooker (about an incident unrelated to her whoring). I was making conversation with her and asked, out of curiousity, if she had ever had any famous clients. I was shocked when she said Torres, but there you go.

  • Ju // September 18, 2010 at 4:06 pm

    Kaka – too religious. Were Kaka to somehow find himself in the company of a hooker, it would only be to talk at length about the path to redemption.

    ^Yeah I agree! I doubt Kaká would ever betray his wife. He’s so religious that he and his wife decided to marry virgins and only have sex after marriage.

    When I saw the title of this article, the first person that came to my mind was Kaká. He’s to nice, to religious and to serious to ever think about doing such thing

  • joeeey // September 19, 2010 at 10:58 am

    raul gonzalez blanco– a married man with 5 kids. too classy…

    i dont actually think ronaldo would pay for a hooker, the guy can probably get the queen to sleep with him if he wanted. plus his ego wouldnt let him pay for it…

    zidane, paolo malidini, del piero, pirlo…

    i tell what tho i can imaggine jens lehman being a regular visiter to the brothels… hes definitely a kinky sob who like to dress up with gimp masks, getting tied up and spanked while the hooker with a strap on gives it to him up the back side (sorry for the graphic images).

  • Salai Lai Ram Thang // September 19, 2010 at 4:49 pm

    Lioness Messi – he is too tricky and very fast to grope a hooker who should probably think that she is robbed or sexually harassed by Messi.

  • SC // September 19, 2010 at 4:51 pm

    Drogba – He is a diver and will be dangerous for a hooker as he should dive in front of her and seek penalty which she could not afford by whoring.

  • chimpo // September 22, 2010 at 3:32 pm

    @Myo Aung

    what? mentalist

  • troy mcclure // October 1, 2010 at 3:47 am

    They were all very good but the Theo Walcott – Sol Campbell – Paul Scholes – Owen Hargreaves were a notch above.

  • think about it // November 28, 2010 at 6:29 pm

    @PC “I know for a fact that Fernando Torres has been with a prostitute. I’m a police officer and recently interviewed a high class Thai hooker”

    So, it’s a “fact” because you were told by a Thai hooker? Of course she would never lie, such an upstanding and trustworthy citizen… lol

    No wonder you never catch anyone if this is an example of police logic.

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