News in brief

Important news about Redknapp Snr, and more…

Football’s wheeler-dea… Harry! Where are you going?

Harry Redknapp

X Factor contestants will be avoiding black cats, ladders, and resisting the urge to punch mirrors in a fit of self doubt, with news that Cheryl Tweedy/Cole has decided to take her segment of the competition to Dorset during the bit where they’re supposed to be crying happy tears because they’ve never been on a plane before.

Bloody hell, Cheryl.

In rather less important news, here’s what we know about football, thanks to the likes of The Sun, The Daily Mail, and the left wing communist newspaper, The Guardian.

Henry Redknapp – who provided the important seed from which grew Jamie Redknapp – had to endure the crippling task of explaining to new boy Sandro that he hadn’t actually made the Tottenham Champions League squad, after the confused Brazilian turned up at Stanstead Airport holding a man bag, all set to fly to Werder Bremen Airport.

The word on the street is that Wilson Palacios – acting as translator – made a few elementary mistakes when explaining what it means when you’re not picked. Well, either that, or he’s a total bastard.

According to The Sun, Redknapp has also thrown his hat into the ring for the England job, once Fabio Capello has finally completed his hilarious mission to bring down the England side from within.

There’s bad news for Manchester United, with a whisper going around that Karim Benzema shan’t be replacing his small plates of garlic prawns for chips in curry sauce washed down with a revolting pint of Boddingtons in January after all.

His agent said these words:

 ”The future of Karim Benzema will be at Real Madrid.”

And in three word news:

Andy Carroll, Spurs.

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