A guide

World Cup 2018 bid – let the schmoozing commence!

“I want to be able to see my face in that sign!”

FIFA 

After the small furore thanks to an intriguingly timed episode of Panorama, and then yesterday’s hot photos of Britain’s Next Male Model finalists – Prince William, Davids Beckham and Cameron – boarding an Easyjet to Zurich, there’s now the small matter of the actual World Cup vote.

But how the bloody hell does this work? If you’re in the dark, allow The Spoiler to bring you into the light after the jump…

A mob of England campaigners will be out in Zurich, putting in an impressive 110 per cent to ensure that their voices are heard above the cries from Russia, Spain/Portugal, and Holland/Belgium. Some will hold private talks with Fifa members, others will presumably stomp through Zurich singing the vindaloo song.

Alongside Cameron, Becksie and the future king, Prince William, march a whole host of marginally less charismatic Englishmen, including: Sebastian Coe, David Dein, Sir Bobby Charlton, Sir John Barnes, Baron Lineker, and Alan Shearer. Plus Andy Cole, Fabio Capello, and various suits who like to do their business in boardrooms.

Their sole purpose is to impress 22 members of the Fifa Executive Committee enough for them to allow the World Cup to be played in England. On this committee are a couple of football legends, including: Franz Beckenbauer, Michel Platini, and the man who was once called “a clown” by Roy Keane, Jack Warner.

Put simply, England need a majority of 12 votes to host the competition. This will be decided during a secret ballot of the 22 executives, after each competing nation has added their final pleading flourish during a 30 minute presentation tomorrow morning, the running order of which reads thusly:

8am – Holland/Belgium

9am – Spain/Portugal

10am – England

11am – Russia

With X Factor logic dictating that early performances rarely stick in the mind, this should be a head-to-head between England and Russia. And if it ends in a draw, Sepp Blatter gets to emerge like Julius Caesar on a Fifa balcony to loudly shout who he wants to win at the top of his voice. In that circumstance, whoever he chooses gets it.

The official winner will be announced tomorrow afternoon.

Come on England!


1 response so far
  • Fat Nakago // December 2, 2010 at 3:08 am

    Ya know?? Back in the day, I used to send a Christmas e.mail greeting every year to Vladimir Putin. And I never got a reply, no insincere form letter as a courtesy, not even a threatening e.mail from the KGB. So, screw Russia!

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