Spoiler

6 suggestions as to how Ancelotti can finally relax

Ancelotti – stressed out, man

 

Poor Carlo Ancelotti, quoted as saying these depressing words:

“I’m not relaxed at all and I don’t sleep well.”

Allow The Spoiler to step in with a six step programme… 

Step One: Read Alan Shearer’s autobiography

Anyone who has made it to the end of a whole book will tell you how relaxing it can be. The reasons for this are twofold. Firstly, because, as everyone knows, reading is a really boring thing to do. And secondly, because The Spoiler is less than half a sentence away from recommending that Carlo dip into Shearer’s tome from 1998, entitled My Story So Far. Twelve years on, and insomniacs are still waiting in desperation for the next volume – working title: Goals win Football Matches… I think.

Step Two: Hire Benitez as an assistant

Most work stresses can be avoided using a simple process known in the trade as “deflection”. All you need is a hilarious looking assistant haphazzardly botching up a perfectly simple job, and a big finger to use for pointing. But where to find such a fool? There’s a clue up there ^ (in bold).

Step Three: Enjoy the company of a beautiful woman

Now, The Spoiler would never condone the use of love making as stress relief, but you know how people who went to Las Vegas and definitely didn’t have sex with a prostitute say things like ”what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas” to make you think that they might have? Well, lots of footballers and managers tend to live by that rule, even when they’re not in Vegas, and when they have totally just had sex for money. They don’t seem to have any problems sleeping.

Step Four: Join Lampsie’s holiday posse

There’s nothing quite like a nice holiday to release tension from the various knots that have gathered all over your back. But whose holiday to gatecrash? The Spoiler would ideally take a break in the warm glow of the Lampard-Redknapp axis of sophistication. Perhaps in Scott Parker’s place? Or he could have a go on one of Abramovich’s absolutely enormous yachts?  

Step Five: Repeatedly phone up Ray Wilkins in the middle of the night

They say that a problem shared is a problem halved, which, quite a lot of the time, is total bullshit. Sometimes, it can even result in a problem becoming doubled – or WORSE, tripled! But, in this case, a few minutes a night listening to Ray Wilkins bitching and weeping on the other end of the phone could be just the tonic. After all, it could be worse, Carlo. You could be Ray Wilkins.

Step Six: Leave Chelsea

Something about it doing what it says on the tin. You get the picture with that one.

Any more for any more? Let us know with a comment…

• Ancelotti
• Chelsea
• Sleep