Transfer Talk

Another Dutch van man linked with Spurs, and more…

Kayla – in demand

Kayla Collins

In a less hoity toity recreation of the fight between Hugh Grant and Colin Firth over the bad female role model, Bridget Jones, today’s shocking relationship news is that the UK rapper Aggro Santos has taken a shine to Ashley Cole’s new girlfriend – porno mag favourite, Kayla Collins.

This will presumably all end with both men bloodying one another’s noses in a Movida VIP section tear up, whilst Collins slopes of for a legendary Bowers/Gaffney sandwich in the bogs.

Here’s what else we know about important news, thanks to all of the red Communist papers, and the blue Royal ones…

The Tottenham love affair with Holland could yet find them parting with some hard cash in exchange for the World Cup football thug, Mark van Bommel. His contract at Bayern Munich expires in the summer, hence the whisper on the street is that the Germans want to flog him now. Plus he’s 33, which is 82 in football years.

In other loosley age-related North London news, apparently Arsenal are leading the race to land Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, who has been described as “Theo Walcott, only better”. This will presumably come as rather bad news to Theo Walcott. Or as he is now know, “Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, only worse”.

The Liverpool revolving door is set to start spinning furiously, with names like Luis Suarez and Shaun Wright-Phillips rumoured to be getting stitched onto replica shirts.

And Benzema’s ongoing game of career snakes and ladders has hit a snake. He’s off to Villa.

That is all.


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