transfer talk

Both Chelsea and Arsenal set to finally get their men

Laaaaads!

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As is befitting of their crime, Andy Gray and Richard Keys have reportedly been given the night off work to spend time looking long and hard into a mirror, continually reassessing their views on beautiful, strong, independent women. Women who HAVE JOBS. With a bit of luck, this soul searching will have the necessary ripple effect, and we can all finally put this ridiculousness to bed and learn to look at one another not as only equals, but also as potential sex partners.

Presumably they will be replaced for the Bolton/Chelsea match by Redknapp’s wife, and Dalglish’s little girl.

Here’s what else we know about the cock-heavy world of football, thanks to the likes of The Daily Mail, The Guardian, The Sun and the rest…

After wowing everyone will a display worthy of a decent football side – albeit against the equal worst team in the Premier League – Liverpool are using the fresh momentum to urge Luis Suarez to stop flirting and finally put out. Figuratively speaking in terms that Gray and Keys might understand.

There has been a frenzy of activity in London, featuring a hugely preposterous tug o’ war between Spurs and Arsenal as to which long-term team infirmary might be better suited to Jonathan Woodgate’s consistent needs. According to Henry Redknapp, his cries of pain shall remain echoing around White Hart Lane for the forseeable future.

Arsenal’s quest to upgrade Theo Walcott is rumoured to be nearing a close, with Alex Oxdale-Chamberlain reportedly inking up his thumb ready to splodge it on a whopping contract with the Emirates club.

Lassana Diarra’s ongoing tour of the capital might yet find him wandering around with his hands in his pockets at Spurs.

And Chelsea are literally seconds away from splurging £26million on David Luiz from Benfica. 

That is all.


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