A list of Australians that seem really nice
Kylie Minogue – An Australian
For those of you who are too busy being stuck in work to have noticed, today is Australia Day!
A special day to commemorate the arrival of the British in 1788 as they continued their entirely honourable and morally justified quest to secure every corner of the world for the Empire.
To celebrate this momentous occasion, The Spoiler has already downed six cans of XXXX and, through the drunken haze, will attempt to list some really lovely Australians…
Tim Cahill
The Everton midfielder is currently out in Qatar playing for Australia in the Asian Cup – that’s how patriotic he is. He scores at least 12 headers a season – 11 more than Peter Crouch despite being about a foot shorter – and then does that punching the corner flag thing. Has yet to be caught with a prozzie or anything.
Rolf Harris
When not carefully removing stitches from an unlucky rabbit’s foot or euthanizing a beloved family dog on Animal Hospital, Rolf could be seen painting pictures – look! He even did one of the Queen! He also harks back to a more innocent time, a time when The Spoiler was a member Rolf’s Cartoon Club and got given a hat and everything. We’ll forgive him the Churchill adverts – the sell-out.
Kevin Muscat
Okay, he was born in England but he played for Australia and he just seems like a really nice guy, doesn’t he? Oh…
Maybe not…
Archie Thompson
Who? He’s the Australian striker who has an impressive 21 goals in 33 appearances for the Socceroos. Although it’s slightly less impressive when you realise he got 13 of them in one game, as Australia ran out 31-0 winners against American Samoa in 2001. He bombed through the opposition like that games teacher in Kes as his teammates begged him to calm down – “IT’S THE ONLY WAY THEY’LL LEARN!” he screamed back.
Shane Warne
One of the greatest bowlers in the history of cricket – but that’s only half the story.
He gave information about pitches and weather to bookmakers for money in the 90s, he was stripped of the Australian vice-captaincy after sending lewd text messages to a British nurse, he was accused of cheating on his wife, separated from his wife, got photographed in his grundies with two models, got back with his wife, separated from his wife and then shagged Elizabeth Hurley.
If he was a Premier League footballer, we’d hate him. But he’s not. He’s a cricketer. And Australian. So therefore he can brush everything aside with a cheeky smile and a stereotypical ‘maaaate, the thing is, right…’ and we still quite like him. Begrudgingly.
Happy Australia Day!
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