A new addition to the canon

Ray Wilkins’ Real Madrid v Spurs commentary – in book form!

Coming soon…

wilkinsnovel.jpg

There have been some pretty good books written down the years – Crime and Punishment is the best 700 pages you’ll ever read about someone getting tw*tted with a hammer, while Jamie’s 30-Minute Meals is a revolutionary approach to cooking good food fast.

However, should someone choose to put Ray Wilkins’ commentary from last night’s Real Madrid and Tottenham game into print, we may have a new contender for The Greatest Book Ever Written.

Thankfully, for some lucky publisher out there, The Spoiler has already done most of the work for you…

However, there was so much linguistic gold spouted from the gob of Wilkins that we missed certain bits. There was definitely a bit when he praised Spurs’ defending at corners despite the first two goals coming from… you guessed it… corners.

Anyway, we present to you, without further ado, a William Burroughs-style cut-up…

RAYMOND WILKINS: NINETY MINUTES OF SOLITUDE

“I wish to dedicate my first novel to Tottenham Hotspur. WE tried so hard. WE got so far but, in the end, it doesn’t even matter. WE’LL be back though. Crouchy and that.”

FOREWORD BY ALAN PARRY

“If Tottenham score a goal that will literally be worth its weight in gold.”

CHAPTER ONE – The Revelation

“It’s important that they keep the ball and maintain possession of the ball.”

“Keep the ball… Enjoy the ball and have fun with it.”

“It’s ball retention you must retain possession of the ball… They are trying to retain it but cannot retain possession of the ball comfortably.”

“It’s vitally important that Tottenham keep the ball.”

“They’ve got to keep the ball Tottenham, if they give Real Madrid the ball they are going to be dangerous.”

“They’ve got to keep good possession as much as they possibly can.”

“Unfortunately you must try and retain possession of the ball.”

“This is given away by Tottenham because they haven’t tried to keep possession.”

CHAPTER TWO – The Journey

“The important part is to stay on your feet .”

“They’re staying on their feet, not going to the floor and that’s vitally important.”

“If he stays on his feet there’s no problem … Stay on your feet.”

[After Spurs go 2-0 down] “This is a tough night now for Tottenham, they have to stay on their feet.”

“You must stay on your feet, if you go to the floor you will give away a penalty kick.”

“It doesn’t matter where you play on the field of play you have to stay on your feet at this level because as soon as you go to the floor you give a free kick away the next one you will be red carded.”

CHAPTER THREE – The Bombshell

“This is a talented Real Madrid side.”

“This is not easy against a side of such quality.”

“Xabi Alonso – Liverpool have missed him immensely because he is a wonderful player.”

“Crouch off – This is tough. Madrid are full of world class players.”

“With the one extra player it has been so tough for Tottenham to get their game going.”

“Ronaldo is a tricky customer.”

“Ronaldo – he’s got two great feet… He’s one hell of a dangerous guy.”

“My word Ronaldo does look quite impressive.”

“You must make sure that ball gets past the first defender from corners.”

“When you’re playing in such an environment it’s very difficult.”

CHAPTER FOUR – The Trial

“Tottenham will feel they have a real uphill task.”

“This is a big period now for Tottenham, they have to keep this down to two.”

“This is a tough period for Tottenham.”

“These are the most difficult periods when you’ve got this pressure coming upon you.”

CHAPTER FIVE – The Psychosis

“It’s the first booking that gives him the second one.”

“I’ve got to say that to get away with that in such a hostile environment you’ve got to count your chickens

“They’ve done well, but the inevitable is there.”

“It was a rash challenge but not as harsh as one would have thought.”

“Had Peter stayed on they may have had the opportunity to score the away goal they deserve.”

“I’m convinced if Peter had stayed on the pitch Tottenham would have scored.”

THE END


9 responses so far
  • tottenblog // April 6, 2011 at 1:18 pm

    Brilliant. In some way helps soothe the pain and hangover from last night

  • Dean // April 6, 2011 at 1:23 pm

    A few personal favourites of mine last night was how he named some the players or should i say his ‘friends’ .. ‘Michael or Dawsy’ (Michael Dawson) ‘Ricky,Ricky Carvalho’ (Ricardo Carvalho) “Go Gareth, go” (Telling Gareth Bale to make a run) how he kept saying ‘WE’ as if every neutral fan should be supporting spurs and ‘stay on your feet’ annoyed the **** out of me! “spurs didn’t deserve this” after spurs got spanked 4-0..yeh OK Ray. whats worse is he’ll be doing the chelsea vs man u game nxt week on sky, so cue the cringeworthy nicknames and the rest of the crap this clown of a commentator comes out with..

  • rads // April 6, 2011 at 1:35 pm

    damm i was so annoyed by his commentary yesterday !! Made me feel like killind him literally..!! But after reading it today in this way i can’t help laughing !! :D !! ROFL

  • Bob // April 6, 2011 at 2:20 pm

    Was that a Linkin’ Park reference you made there?

  • Richard Anderson // April 6, 2011 at 2:46 pm

    The words and music of Chester Bennington, Rob Bourdon, Brad Delson, Dave Farrell, Joe Hahn and Mike Shinoda hold a truth that is particularly fitting when discussing Ray Wilkins…

  • Brian // April 6, 2011 at 4:11 pm

    That commentary was God-awful. He kept going on about Spurs and what they deserved, etc. Give me a break. Even with Crouch gone, one still has to wonder if the scoreline wouldn’t have been too different. Tottenham did a good job parking the bus in front of the goal–I have to wonder how many of Real’s shots were off target because they were simply blocked by the multitude of Spurs players in the box. And then there was that shot by DiMaria that showed that when done right, it doesn’t matter how many people are or are not there. I suspect there will be a better show at White Hart Lane when Spurs have another player and aren’t playing in a venue like the Bernabeu.

  • Nino El Dios // April 6, 2011 at 6:53 pm

    That was Ray Wilkins in the commentary box!? I thought it was Harry Rednap! Most biased, butt-hurt idiot ever.

  • sheldon // April 7, 2011 at 1:37 am

    his commentary was so biased towards spurs, i thought when madrid scored the 4th goal he would break into tears. What exactly did spurs deserve then ray? i think 4-0 wasnt deserving enough seeing as dawson clearly handled the ball in the box. Next leg will be interesting but spurs have too much to do against a quality team. if Milan could boss them around at home Madrid definitely can!

  • Flobmac // April 7, 2011 at 7:51 pm

    Tippy-Tappy Football !!!

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