How to socialise like the WAGs and Gaffney

Do you have plenty of money but no class? Why not head to Soho’s very own cultural void, Chinawhite? For a mere £650 yearly membership fee, you could be rubbing shoulders with fame-hungry glamour models, Paul Danan, and Mick Hucknall tonight! Here’s the lowdown…

Where: Just off Picadilly Circus, in the basement of the Cheers bar. Even though Cheers is technically supposed to be in a basement itself.

How much: As previously mentioned, yearly membership is a bargain £650, with a £100 one-off joining fee. Of course, if you’ve ever been in a Channel Five soap, Nuts or a reality TV show (or all of the above), you may be in line for a complimentary ‘celebrity’ membership.

There are around 1400 members right now, and about half of them are paying guests. With a membership, you may bring in three complimentary guests from Monday to Saturday, but they are obliged to display their breasts to waiting paparazzi if they are female.

The clientele: Anyone who’s anyone in the world of nouveau riche youth will be found here. Lampard and Kalou are regular attendees, and Danielle ‘Full of Hate’ Lloyd wouldn’t leave if they didn’t close. Gaffney and Best have carved their names into most of the booths, and the rest of the numbers are made up by the type of self-loathing glamour models who even the red top tabloids wouldn’t touch with a barge pole.

The look: If you’re a fan of the decor in low-budget porn films, here’s your place. Aside from a few sticks of bamboo and some low-level Cantonese lampshades, it’s decked out like a working man’s club.

Music: You will be treated to the musical stylings of pioneering DJs including Rubber Ron, DJ Stanley and communism enthusiast Stefano Cresta (pictured above). They play anything from disco to hip hop, but don’t expect ‘High Ho Silver Lining’ come closing time.

The drinks: If you’re serious about your faux pretentiousness, you won’t be heading to the bar for a Fosters. The drink of choice at Chinawhite is vodka, served by the bottle to your booth for £100 and upwards. Like flies to horseshit, women whose parents didn’t instil enough virtue in them will swarm to your booth if they see a bottle. It’s what made Calum Best the fine man he is today.

There’s also a ‘Wuwu room’, where the manliest cocktail on the planet is champion.

When to go: Wednesday is always a winner – it’s informally referred to as ‘grab a slag’ night.