United striker immortalised in cheap wooden form

Like so many things in life, it’s the simple stuff that brings the purest joy. A child’s laughter, Lennie Bennett on the radio, Russian dolls. Especially Russian dolls. Like, in particular, this one from Latvia (pictured)

Hand carved by a slave (presumably), the outer shell showcases Wayne Rooney’s unearthly beauty contrasted against a proud Union Jack, and further delving unleashes a smaller Giggs, then a Ronaldo, and then a tiny little Alan Smith, complete with ugly gurning face and peroxide blonde hair. Perfect for a small child.

At only £30 (with an extra £12 piled on top for postage), this promises to grace your mantelpiece, then live happily in a dusty family attic for years to come.

For United fans only.