Racist WAG makes troops glad they are in a warzone

Morale in the Armed Forces is at an all-time low – troops are sick of fighting a war that no one wants, and they miss good ol’ Blighty.

The government needed a way of persuading the troops that they wouldn’t be better off at home, and a think tank devised a cunning way of reminding them it’s not all rosey in the Land of Hope and Glory. They shortlisted three people to send out to Iraq: a traffic warden, Ian Huntley and Danielle Lloyd*. ‘Full of Hate’ won the vote by a country mile, and was ‘secretly‘ shipped out to the warzone (so ‘secretly’ that the world’s press were reliably informed of her charitable deed) on Sunday.

The on/off Jermaine Defoe botherer, however, won’t be entertaining the troops (ie singing, dancing, showing some sort of talent), but will instead be ‘giving gifts’ to the squaddies.

Before jetting off, she said: “‘This is an amazing opportunity and I feel really privileged to be going to Iraq.”

The owner of Chinawhite may or may not have remarked: “Business has decreased 400 per cent in the past two days, we’re devastated.”

Jermaine Defoe didn’t add: “Thank f*ck she’s gone.”

*Dramatic recreation. Events may not have actually occured.