As the Newcastle monster devours the last morsels of its Big Sam meal, an unqualified local awaits his turn…

Were there such a thing as a map of national fiasco, Newcastle would be the biggest dot in the country. But if you think that hard-earned reputation will fade when Sam Allardyce’s rage-filled pantomime rolls out of town, as it surely must soon, think again.

An even greater calamity is set to take over at the North East’s Regional Theatre of Unintentional Comedy in the form of the Alan Shearer show, a short play in which a large group of beer-bellied proles grow increasingly bitter as they realize the man they believed was a messiah turns out to be beyond useless.

Richard Williams, writing in the Guardian last week, claimed Shearer was too grand to consider serving an apprenticeship before taking over at Newcastle, or even England.

Yet for all Shearer’s popularity - and gigantic sense of self-worth - Mike Ashley need only glance at Match of the Day each week to gain a sense that his reading of the game is unlikely to trouble the greater tactical brains of the Premier League. In fact, Shearer manages to pull off the improbable feat of saying nothing yet still managing to contradict himself.

His most recent display of insubstantial punditry came last Saturday, December 29. The “highlights” are as follows…

(The first match is Spurs 6, Reading 4. Shearer is asked to comment on Berbatov.)

“I don’t know him at all and I look at him and I see a character who needs an arm around him. He needs to be loved all the time to get the best out of him and Ramos will do that. As long as he keeps putting in a performance like that.”

So no research, just a vague theory, with no evidence offered in support. Was his successful debut year down to Martin Jol putting the arm around him, only for Jol to withdraw it in the summer? If Berbatov needs an arm around him to get good performances out of him, why would Ramos only do it after good performances?

(Match 2 is West Ham 2, Man Utd 1. Shearer is asked why West Ham won.)

“I thought their work rate was exceptional. They hurried Man Utd into untold mistakes. Alan Curbishley changed his system slightly and left Dean Ashton on the bench, played Carlton Cole on his own up front for a lot of the game, albeit brought Ashton on in the second half. Without a doubt the turning point was the penalty miss from Ronaldo, if it goes in then it’s 2-0 and game over, but all credit for the way they played and they never gave up.”

Alan Shearer’s recipe for success: work hard and hope the opposition miss their penalties. Good luck, Newcastle!

(Game 3 is Everton 1, Arsenal 4. Shearer is asked to comment on the two sendings off, Bendtner for Arsenal, Arteta for Everton.)

“Probably deserved red cards, I’m not so sure there was any intent, I just thought they were just so sloppy. (Tape runs of the incident) This was Bendtner’s first yellow card, if you think it’s a bit harsh to get the yellow card, just have a look at the referee. When he comes up, he actually says “Well, it might not be for that one, but I told you so earlier there was the one [challenge] two or three minutes or so ago earlier,” there you go, so it was for two of them, but it’s a centre forward’s challenge.”

(Second Bendtner challenge) “It looks ugly and it’s probably bordering on a straight red card to be honest, I mean he’s on a yellow card, I don’t think he can have any complaints, it could so easily have been a straight red card.

(The Arteta incident) “It’s a straight arm, it’s not actually an elbow, if you like. He’s not actually gone to throw it in his face, it’s a straight armer. I think it’s just careless more than malicious but again, if you’re going to raise your arm then you’re asking for trouble and the referee probably got it right again.

Was justice served? Who knows! Certainly not Alan Shearer. On Sunday’s MOTD 2, former ref Graham Poll dissected the incidents with far greater precision.

(The Chelsea 2, Newcastle 1 game comes up. Shearer maintains a trappist silence, and Lineker does not ask him for comment. Cowards!)

(On Roy Hodgson joining Fulham)

“He’s been everywhere, hasn’t he? You name it, he’s been there. I mean if it’s experience that they are looking for then he’s got an abundance of that. I remember speaking to the lads at Blackburn when he was there and, um, they were full of praise for him. They liked him a lot. Tough job. Big job.”

Roy Hodgson was so popular he was out of the job in a little over a year. An omen?

For the full transcript of Alan Shearer’s December 29 appearance, click here