He’ll be buying a stupid monkey next

Back in the glorious 1980s, rumours abound that a pre-melty-face Michael Jackson slept in an oxygen chamber - with his monkey. No one knows the real truth, and his monkey won’t spill the beans.

But one thing is known - that Raul of Real Madrid sleeps in a freaky room that only Jacko would really approve of.

The whisper on the street is that the Real Madrid skipper spends his nights in a specially designed bedroom which pumps around air with less oxygen and more nitrogen in it. This produces the same effects as sleeping up a mountain, keeping a man young, vibrant, and scientists insist that it means more red blood cells (which is good).

Reports that he is going to have his nose replaced with thimble and his skin bleached to purest white remain unconfirmed.

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