Grasping model breaks a fat chunk off another dumbcluck’s fortune

Tottenham fans will be delighted to hear that after a season of disappointment there is some good news at last: third-choice striker Jermain Defoe has bought a £20,000 watch for girlfriend Danielle Lloyd. Apart from the childish pleasure the supporters doubtless derive from watching their money make its mazy way through the Spurs digestive system and out onto a model’s wrist, additional delight comes in the form of the happiness the timepiece has brought the couple.

“Dani’s under no illusion that she means the world to Jemain,” said a “pal”, possibly from a mental hospital, to the News of the World. “Matching watches is a way of displaying that amazing connection.”

Fortunately for anyone interested in expensive timepieces and the amazing connections they create, MTV has been traipsing around behind Jermanielle with its cameras at the ready. Apparently, all the couple have done so far is mate incessantly, although if MTV displays the same sort of patience as Sir David Attenborough when making his natural history series, they will doubtless eventually be rewarded with never-before-seen images of the love birds buying a clock.

(FYI Danielle has had botox injected in her armpit to stop her sweating so much. Jermain Defoe achieves similar results by sitting on a bench.)