Joey Barton’s special Christmas breakfast is breaking the Newcastle bank

According to his therapist at the Sporting Chance clinic in Hampshire, Joey Barton will not be playing in ‘the near future’.

The therapist, the brilliantly-named Peter Kay, says Joey will remain with him ’24 hours a day’ until his next court appearance on January 16. While Mr Kay will undergo irreparable emotional and physical damage during this period of close attention, consider the cost to Newcastle: his reported 60k a week salary will have cost them around £204k by the time his court case rolls around.

Not since Robbie Williams last supersized has a trip to Maccy D’s been so costly.