No tricks yet from that old Keegan magic

Kevin Keegan has been in the Newcastle job for nearly a fortnight now, so one day this week, probably straight after losing at Arsenal tomorrow, he will doubtless issue his first plea for “time”.

New managers should be handed a piece of paper on their first day at work confirming that no requests for time to do their job properly will any longer be granted. Before Keegan starts bleating about the unfairness of it all, he should take a look at what happened to his predecessor when he asked for a little peace and quiet to do his job properly. A little chat with anyone at the club about Big Sam’s last days should deter the new boss from begging for patience.
If he’s going to fall back on managerspeak, perhaps “Things have to get worse before they get better” might be more appropriate, because here are some of the problems that have already emerged in the Keegan era:

1) Can’t score. Newcastle have engineered one scoring chance in 180 minutes of football (Alan Smith’s effort that was cleared off the line at Arsenal.)
2) Shaky motivational techniques. According to the Sunday tabloids, his battle cry pre-Arsenal was “They pass the ball really well. So we’ve got to pass it better.” Wanted: one new battle cry.
3) Dennis Wise. Doesn’t he have enough to worry about with Joey Barton? Or is Keegan’s helpmate coming in to refine Barton’s nasty side even further? Perhaps Dennis could teach him the secret of how to break a teammate’s jaw while he sleeps.

4) Michael Owen. Your only decent player urgently needs a system that you have no intention of playing.

5) Jonathan Woodgate. Decided to sleep with Spurs instead of Newcastle. And when you’re losing beauty contests with Tottenham, perhaps Keegan’s next hire should be a plastic surgeon.

6) Alan Shearer. Former US President Lyndon Johnson said it’s better to have someone on the inside pissing out than outside pissing in. Looks like Keegan’s going to have settle for second best.

7) Casual approach to management generally. How to be a manager, by Kevin Keegan. Lesson one: play golf for six years. Lesson two: implement a devil-may-care mindset and get out before it completely unravels. Lesson three: build a career on that short burst of success, until you have adequately demonstrated the limitations of your management philosophy. Lesson four: go and play some more golf. Lesson five: attempt to resurrect the good old days against managers like Alex Ferguson, Arsene Wenger and David Moyes who have not thought about anything other than football for decades. Lesson six: come unstuck.