The best way to fight plaque, gingivitis and fidelity

A reminder of the other products in our range of high-end Premier League toiletries, after the jump

Bottled at the largest source of adult male tears outside of Leon from X Factor, this wonderful scent will compliment the fastidious fashion sense and delicate sensibilities of the modern metrosexual.

The smell of success isn’t rich mahogany and leather-bound books, it’s that of a Labrador climbing out of a river.

Like a drunk great aunt on Boxing Day, this unforgettable pong hangs around much longer than you ever thought possible.

Sourced from nightclubs across the capital, this is the purest essence of John Terry.

By far the most popular aroma in the Premiership, this one will be stinking up changing rooms for years to come.

A completely hygienic way to fumble a European Championship qualifying campaign. Currently outselling Scott Carson’s rival brand by two-to-one.

Whenever the former England boss walks in a room, the smell of failure follows him like a lovesick puppy. If you want to create an atmosphere of loathing among your peers, splash a bit of this on today. Warning: may turn skin orange.