With a little help from the CGI department

Yes, I know it’s a fake viral for a computer game, but it’s mighty impressive all the same.

Sometimes life’s difficulties grow so intense that only the language of poetry can illuminate the path ahead

A love poem by Ashley Cole to his wife, Cheryl Cole

Cheryl
When I look inside myself
I just see
Shining brilliance
And when I look in the mirror
I just see
An amazing man
So what’s your problem?
The life of a professional footballer
Is not easy
We are always surrounded by
Hairdressers and other
Scrubbers
Desperate to go with the great
Ashley Cole
And considering the pressure I’m under
No wonder I need a drink from time to time
But at least I’m not like JT who would
Stick it in a
Bottle
And you’ve got to admit that it was a
Superb performance to keep at it
Even when I was puking up
I thought you’d be proud of me.
Ing-er-land!
I know you’ve got the right hump
So please come back soon
And don’t take your time about it
Or I’ll go with someone else
Perhaps that Sarah Harding
She likes a drink.

Never have the Red Devils sounded less interesting

During their recent money-spinning excursion to Saudi Arabia, a top Arabic TV network managed to score interviews with the Manchester United team. Unfortunately, the footballers’ post-flight grouchiness,

Racist WAG compares her relationship to that of a happily married couple

Just last week, I gleefully reported that Danielle Lloyd had moved out of Jermain Defoe’s Hertfordshire mansion (designed by her ex-friend Charlotte Mears, who had the foresight to install six ovens in the kitchen). Now, it appears the dream is over, as the fountain of hatred has re-gained her WAG colours by patching things up with the Spurs striker.

The best sports on the telebox tonight

With a win over Portsmouth tonight, the Red Devils will make Arsenal’s latest stint at the top of the table shorter than most of Danielle Lloyd’s relationships. See our preview of the game here, then put yer money where yer mouth is using the best odds available here.

Africa Cup of Nations
Cameroon/ Sudan (British Eurosport, 5pm)
Egypt/ Zambia (BBC Interactive, 5pm)

Scottish Premier League
Motherwell/ Celtic (Setanta Sports 1, 7.45pm)

Premier League
Manchester Utd/ Portsmouth (Sky Sports 2, 8pm)

Heart rate research and much hilarity gained from testicular misfortune

The cutting edge scientists on Fox’s new show ‘Sport Science’ were researching the relationship between heart rate and taking a tennis ball to the nuts.

Don’t mention this NFL WAG around Dallas Cowboys fans

Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo was adored by the people of Texas: aside from being a dreamboat, he holds team records for completions, passing yards and plenty of other esoteric-sounding terms that don’t mean much to the humble English chap. But last November, he decided to make Texan singer/actress/moron Jessica Simpson his WAG. And it all went downhill from there…

But it’s only acting, daahrling

In her greatest (read: only) acting challenge since Hollyoaks, Marcus Bent’s better half is to star in forthcoming UK film Boogie Woogie. It also features Heather Graham, Gillian Anderson and Christopher Lee, and according to the synopsis on IMDB, it has bugger all to do with disco or pornography production in the 1970s.

Gemma’s raison d’être in the film is a ‘naked lesbian romp’ with Jamie Winstone, daughter of Ray. On the subject of the girl-on-girl fling, Ms. Atkinson told OK! Magazine:

“Jamie put me at ease completely. I just got on with it and thought, come on then, this is what being an actress is about! We had a shot of vodka each and just got down to it!”

She also tells the celebrity news rag that Marcus prefers her kissing girls, rather than the men she had to fool around with on Hollyoaks. Shocking, that.

Posh Spice adorns a t-shirt with her trademark bossiness

In one of her typically philanthropic turns (does this woman ever stop giving?), Victoria Beckham has lent her completely nekkid image to the design of a Marc Jacobs charidee T-Shirt. The cancer charity it will help fund is a fantastic cause, but knowing the value she places on making the correct fashion decisions, when should one wear it?

The Spoiler’s chief stylist gives the Newcastle boss some options

King Kev has been out of football for a little while, and the game has moved on a long way. Equally, hairstyles have changed, so here are some of the options available to a lady of his age:

Special thanks to: Margaret Thatcher, Nancy Reagan, Barbara Bush, Dame Barbara Cartland and her dog, Barbara Windsor and Nora Batty.