Still speechless with disbelief at the sight of the world’s most expensive team leaving the Carling Cup final on Sunday WITH LOSERS’ MEDALS, Roman Abramovich has decided to fight the pain and humiliation by spending yet more eye-watering sums of money. According to the Italian Gazzetta dello Sport, Poppa Abramovich is eager to buy Kaka, who is currently on loan to Milan from Jesus, for 33 million euros, presumably to make Frank Lampard and Michael Ballack compete even more viciously for a place in the side.

Mr Abramovich also apparently has room in his boot for yet more luxury shopping, namely Valencia’s David Villa and a manager, Barcelona’s Frank Rijkaard, at 130 million euros for the three decorative items.

Message boards have reacted to the news with purest scorn, mainly centred around the concept that Kaka can be bought so cheaply. One Spanish commenter writes: “Fuck me! Who knew a kilo of footballer was so cheap? Abramovich must have a young person’s discount card. At those prices I’d buy me a Villa and put it into the lounge next to the telly. Enough with your jokes. ANYONE WHO WANTS TO BUY VILLA, PREPARE YOUR WALLET FOR A GOOD WHACK.”