First Test, 9pm, Sky Sports 1, bet here

As an antidote to the heart-frying drama in Milan last night, a journey to the other side of the planet, to New Zealand, no less, where the England cricket team have travelled in search of their self-esteem, which they no sooner find than it runs away again. England’s test form has been bland over the last five years - played 60, won 30, lost 15, drawn 15 - and New Zealand are already well on the way to posting a decent first innings score in the first test, which suggests that this is perhaps not the game to best help England feel better about themselves. Indeed, their biggest impact on New Zealand is likely to be their gigantic carbon footprint. But perhaps some good can come from this spectacular eco-vandalism. Just last week the big brains discovered that Prozac is no more effective than Smarties at curing mental illness, and it is only a matter of time before other similar mood-altering drugs are outed as more useless than buttons. So where is the hooded youth to go for his tranquilisers now? How about a subscription to Sky on the NHS, and daily exposure to the tranquilising effect of the England XI’s fruitless labours? It won’t reduce the ozone hole, and the England team will still be deep in gloom, but it should really help with the ASBOs.

The statistics

* England have won just one of their last fifteen away test matches.

* On the other hand, England haven’t lost the first test in a series between the teams since 1978.

* Alistair Cook has been England’s most successful batsman so far on the tour, having scored a total of 489 runs at an average of 54.33 per match.

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