Memo to Jose Mourinho’s bank manager: make sure you’ve got enough room in the vault, because the cash pipe is about to be reconnected

After a winter spent lounging at home in Portugal, doing a little punditry for the Africa Cup of Nations, but otherwise probably just looking at himself in the mirror, Jose Mourinho this week finds himself with a lot of new friends. Hi guys!

Admirer number 1: Silvio Berlusconi. He’s had his eyes on Jose for a while, and the Italian press haven’t tried very hard to pretend that Carlo Ancelotti is going to be in charge next season, but Mr Berlusconi’s needs are suddenly a lot more pressing. Arsenal ended their Champions League hopes on Tuesday, their league form is so ordinary they might be spending European nights at Spurs next season, and the elderly squad needs replanting.

Admirer number 2: Ramon Calderon. Just a couple of weeks ago everything seemed fine at Real Madrid - a nice big gap at the top of La Liga and confidence that they could overturn Roma in Europe. But they couldn’t, and they’ve now burnt through £168 million in four years without even making the quarter finals of the Champions League once. No one likes coach Bernd Schuster because he’s so rude, and the squad suddenly looks tissue thin. Help!

Admirer number 3: Joan Laporta. Barcelona are still in the hunt for European and domestic titles, but their form has been shaky, Frank Rijkaard hasn’t shown he really knows how to best combine the team’s overabundance of talent and he has turned one of the world’s best players - Ronaldinho - into a shadow of the man he was. With Johan Cruyff heading to Ajax next season, the number one obstacle to Jose’s return to Barcelona is now out of the picture.

Admirer number 4: Roman Abramovich(!) This all depends on whether you think the Sun is a) a credible news source or b) an entertaining work of fiction, but today’s back page story has Jose and Ramon chatting weekly and Jose saying, “I’d love to be manager again.”

Admirer number 5: Whoever’s in charge at Liverpool next week As has become Liverpool’s signature style over the last ten years or so, any attempts to seduce Jose are going to be too little, too late. But hey, thanks for playing, Liverpool!