Jose’s travel agent is currently reserving tickets to…Madrid!

The problem at the very top of European football at the moment is that there are too many clubs chasing too little glory. They can’t all be pointing at the sky thanking the Almighty for picking the correct champion come the end of the season. That situation has in turn led to too many clubs chasing too few Jose Mourinhos, in the unproven belief that he can haul them out of the bog of failure faster than anyone else. After this weekend’s results, the unofficial Mourinho admiration chart looks like this:

1) Real Madrid. In spite of winning at the weekend and opening an eight-point gap over Barcelona, the season is already another expensive failure. President Calderon has given coach Bernd Schuster his vote of confidence (the same one he gave to Capello at this time last season), while shit-stirring Barcelona papers claim that Calderon has already sounded Mourinho out and it’s just a question of finding a way to get rid of Schuster without provokng the fury of the fans.

2) AC Milan. At crappy little Empoli, Milan needed two very late goals and a heroic performance from eminent Victorian Paolo Maldini to scrape a win. Saviour urgently required, but there have to be doubts over how smoothly a Mourinho/ Berlusconi relationshio would run. Especially as there is talk of Berlusconi bringing Shevchenko back. A most excellent joke, your highness!

3) Chelsea. Grant is looking unemployable after the weekend’s fiasco, although the papers are saying Michael Laudrup, for his half-season’s work at Getafe.

4) Barcelona. The sound of large metal doors clanging shut could be heard as far away as Portugal with the news that Johan Cruyff will not be going to rebuild Ajax after all, as some simple-minded bureaucrats were unable to interpret the full genius of his instructions. As a result he’ll probably carry on hanging out in Spain, reminding Barca President Laporta just how little talent Jose Mourinho has.

5) Liverpool. God only knows what’s going on there.

6) West Ham. A newcomer! The Icelandic god of biscuits who owns the Hammers is apparently a) fed uo with sourpuss Curbishley and b) wants Champions League football. Don’t we all, dear. It’s a real long shot, for sure, but at least West Ham are likely to put up with Mourinho’s demands for total control, which he is going to find hard to come by at the executive-laden clubs above.